I Come Back for You

Son,

Some friends of ours gave us this Fisher-Price car for you.  Somehow they'd ordered two and didn't want to deal with a return.

I'm not sure exactly how that happens, but hey - free car!

Because it's like negative eleventy outside, we have it in the house. In the evenings after dinner you like to get it out and drive it around and around the couch/kitchen island loop.  It's like the Toddler Autobahn.  Dogs beware.  Nate's got his "Flintstone feet" and he's a-going!

I'll say, "Bye, Nate!  Come back soon!" and you'll say, "Bye, Mama!  I see you later!" and then you're off.  Sometimes you say, "I go work.  See you later.  I get you a Jessie's" (that's his daycare lady).

This last week you added to our little game.

Now when you come back around the loop you say, "Mama, I come back for you!" and then you swing open the door to your car and you run as fast as you can to give me a hug.

Oh, Sweetness.  I know exactly how you feel.

Mamas always, always come back for you.

We're flamily.

I love you,
Mama

We Are Flamily

Dear Sweetness,
It's been a year that you've been home now.  I think you're still getting used to the idea of having a family.

I had to run an errand the other night and I was gone for a few hours.  When I walked in the door you yelled, "MAMA!  You came back for me!"

It was adorable and yet it hurt my heart.

Since then, we've been talking about how Mamas "always always always" come back for you.

You still don't trust that.

I guess we didn't really "help" that issue, what with our six trips to visit you and your sister while you were in the orphanage.

I don't think you remember those visits, but I think you might remember the stress of being left.

Again.

Then yesterday you looked at me and said, "You love me because we're flam-ily."

That's right, Sweetness.  We are "flamily".

And flamilies take care of each other.  They love each other.  They eat together.  They play together.  They pray together.

They come back for you.

I will always, always come back for you.

I love you,
Mama

Nathan's First Christmas

Dear Sweetness,
It was so fun to see you enjoy your first Christmas.

On Christmas Eve morning, I was snuggling with you on the floor in front of the tree and I said, "Today is Christmas Eve.  What does that mean?" and you said, "1 more sleeps 'til Santa comes with toys for Nathan".

Christmas Eve afternoon, Aunt Titi and Collin came by.  You got out some of your favorite toys and shared with Collin (although it did require some coaxing to get you to "take turns" with Collin).  Mama told you that you were a good boy to share.

You've been a bit sick and so you're out of sorts if Mama doesn't stay right on top of your Tylenol.  Around bedtime, you were completely beside yourself - kicking and biting and yelling, "I not go bed".

In an exasperated, not so good Mommy moment I resorted to threats and said, "Well, if you're not asleep then Santa can't come.  Maybe he'll have to take your toys somewhere else."

Your eyes got hugely wide and you said, "But Mama... I take-a-turns wit Tollin!"

Good point... that must count for SOMETHING.

First thing the next morning, before your eyes were fully awake you said to me, "Mama, I take-a-turns wit Tollin, huh?"  You wanted to be sure that was going to outweigh the complete hissy-fit you'd had.  You sweet, sweet little boy.

Sure enough, there were presents under the tree.  We took our time and let you enjoy.  (You're not smiling in the pictures but trust me, you had a blast!)

You would have been happy with one present.  You were pretty overwhelmed with more than one present.  But Mama and Daddy have some missed Christmases to make up for, so you got more than one present.

I love you, Sweetness.

Thank you for making all merry and bright.
Mama

Dear Nathan,

I picked you up this morning to bury you in hugs before I had to leave for work and I could swear that you had grown taller overnight.

I think you're getting bigger, Little Man.

I swung you around and said, 'Not bigger!  You need to stay my little baby forever!" and then you tried to repeat what I said because that's just what you do right now and the way you said, "No bigger baby ever!" made me laugh.

But I do think you're taller and it scares me just a little because I JUST got you and I NEED MORE TIME.

I need the years we lost.

The years when you were in Haiti and I was here and the Haitian government didn't want to process papers so you could come home.

The years that I didn't know if you were OK and you didn't know if anyone cared and we both could have answered each others concerns but the governments wouldn't let us be together yet.

I need to rock you through your infancy and nuzzle your little neck as you start to crawl and swing you around as you chase me when you learn to walk.

We lost that, you and I.  But I want you to know that doesn't make us any less "one" than if we'd had it.

I can still snuggle you and wrap you up in my arms and relish the way you just seem to fit tucked into my shoulder.

I don't even mind the superbly toxic Chambers of Haitian Secrets that are your "stinky butts" (as Papa's taught you to call your dirty diapers).  I'll change them for a few more years if you'll just promise me that you won't grow up yet.

You are such a joy, Little Man.  You are a silly, wacky, busy, happy, stubborn, temper-ridden ball of goodness.  And I can't believe you're mine.

I have to admit that I am constantly in awe of you.  Sometimes I find myself staring at you and wondering how in the world you came to be and why I'm so blessed to get to be your Mama and if I'll ever get over marveling at how amazing you are.

This evening, I told one of my coworkers I needed to head home so I could see my son.

I don't think you'll ever know how amazing it is to me that I HAVE A SON.

You've done for me something that I couldn't do - you made me a Mommy.  I know that sounds silly and that no one can really make themselves a Mommy, but that's what I mean.

Things just didn't work.  And the doctors didn't know why and we didn't know why and I didn't know if I'd ever be a Mommy but you did and Heavenly Father did.

Now I know that I wasn't a Mommy yet because I needed that ache in my heart to grow and grow to where it carried me to you, clear across the country and over the water to the tiny island where you were... sitting... in a boring stuffy house that only had 3 bedrooms but had 68 kids and not enough not enough not enough.

"'Not enough' what?" you ask.

"Anything...Not enough anything."  Not enough room.  Not enough beds.  Not enough toys.  Not enough food.  Not enough love.

And then the earth moved and the buildings fell and hearts changed and they let us bring you home.

I love when we're playing on the floor together, both making "car noises" and driving your trucks, and you look up at me with the most vibrant, sparkling smile that seems to say, "Mama... this is the best day ever!"

I adore that crooked grin you get when something you were trying to do finally works and you're trying to pretend that you're not amazed yourself that it finally came together so you're trying to suppress the grin that is bursting to break out. Your "modesty" makes me giggle.

Today Papa taught you how to say, "Hello, baby.  What's your sign?" and then you called me at work to share your new pickup line.  I love the little inflection in your voice when you say, "Hel-low, BAY-bee", trying to imitate Papa's "fake sexy voice".

I chuckle that you think you can get out of going to bed by pretending the thing you need more than anything else in the world is a hug from Mama RIGHT THEN.

I'm so on to you, Little Man.

Of course, you'll still get the hug because you've been through horrible things and you've been on such a tiring journey to get to this place where you have your own room and you actually HAVE a bed.

We learned this last week of some of the other horrors that you and your friends from the O had to endure and I can't believe you're all sane.  You're strong, Little Man.  You're stronger than Mama, but Mama won't tell you that.

It's one of the rules, I think.  The Mamas are supposed to pretend like they're fine and not that their hearts are breaking over what you've already endured.  And I don't know what I can ever do that will be enough to make up for what you've had to live through.

But having you home... that's enough.

Just don't grow up yet.  I'm not ready.

Love,

Mama

Easter

Aunt TiTi's family invited us to come over for the extended family Easter Egg hunt and dinner at Mom Simpson's house.

I've known Tia for almost 20 years.  Her older brother was one of the guys I hung out with in High School.  And, her older sister was Brent's first girlfriend.  I guess you could say we go "way back". 

Mom Simpson hides plastic eggs all over their half acre yard.  HUNDREDS of them.  Over 500 eggs this year in her backyard.  They're strategically hidden by height so the older you are the higher off the ground you're required to look when hunting for hidden eggs.

She also hides bananas.  Three for each grandkid.  They're easir for the little ones to spot and healthier for them all to eat.  Plus, if they miss one, they don't smell bad when they rot.  :)

She gave each kid a basket and announced there were enough eggs for each get to get 33 (plus their three bananas) and they were off.

I

 Nathan and Collin caught on quickly to how this game worked.  They had a great time.

The older kids helped them out and Nathan was quite happy to let them find them for him.  Too much running on those little legs.

They searched high and low and basically had a grand time.

Collin is MUCH better at sharing and taking turns than Mr. N.  He's also freakishly strong for his size.

All the candy was new to Nathan.  He really likes Sixlets and Smarties.  Good to know!

Then everyone moved to the Garage (was converted to a dining room for the occasion because it's the only place big enough to seat everyone) and we had a fabulous dinner.

Thanks, Mom and Dad Simpson and family for inviting us and making us feel like family.  We had a great evening. 

(and thanks, Toria, for the pictures!)

It was a PERFECT first Easter for Mr. Nathan!

Grandpa Keith

My grandfather was laid to rest on Saturday.  Nathan did really well (my dad said it wasn't an option for us - Nathan was coming!  He had too many extended family members that he wanted to meet his new Haitian grandson).  He did try to grab the microphone a bit when I said the opening prayer for the services (he kinda has this "thing" where he screams if I leave him) and there was a solemn moment at the cemetary when they were unloading the casket from the hearse and Nathan suddenly noticed the hearse and how shiny it was and started yelling, "Mama!  Mama!  Machin!  Machin!" but other than that he was a trooper.

I come from a large family and everyone wanted to hear him say "El Camino" (and he usually obliged them).

My Uncle Scott did a fabulous job on the eulogy.  He shared some great stories from Grandpa's childhood growing up in a tiny little speck of a farming town... like the time there was a squirrel living in the walls of their farmhouse and Grandpa shot it with his BB gun but he just wounded it so it ran back inside the wall to die there.  I guess the stench was pretty unbearable for awhile there.

There was also a story about the year Grandpa received a gopher trap for his birthday - it's a different world, folks!


We'll miss you, Grandpa.  Thank you for being a "good grandpa".

Hand-Me-Overs, Part De

Brent's mom found this sweater in her cedar truck this last week.

Brent's Grandma Hall sent it to Brent about 38 years ago when she was serving an LDS Mission in London, England.

Turns out it just fits Mr. Nathan right now.

Thank you, Mom, and thank you, Grandma Hall.  We wish you could have met Nathan.  He's really too awesome for words, sometimes.

Meeting Great Grandpa

My dad is the oldest of 7 children.  I'm the 2nd of his five kids, which also makes me the 2nd of my grandma's 29 grandchildren.

Mr. Nathan is the 36th great grandchild.

I have a big family.

Saturday was Grandpa Keith's 85th birthday.

Nathan got to meet his great grandparents and a lot of aunts, uncles and cousins that have been involved in praying him home the last couple of years.

He was really good for how confusing and overwhelming that group must have been for him.

 

This picture is with all of Nathan's immediate cousins.  He loves to say "Abbie" and "Rocco".  He's still working on the rest of the family's names.  

  

Meeting Great Grandpa Keith.

  Say Hello!

Thank you, Chris for taking pictures!

Somebody's Parents are in TROUBLE...

A woman I know who is a kindergarten teacher shared this story with me. She said she has 2 little girls in her class (We'll call them Sally and Jane) who both have a crush on the same little boy (we'll call him Timmy). She said Sally and Timmy are always holding hands.

This last week, Jane "confronted" Timmy about it and asked him why he would hold hands with Sally and not with her.

His response?

"With Sally, there's electricity. It's just not there with you."

_______
A big hug to my dear Aunt G who found out this last week that three members of the Cancer Mafia have pounded down her door and are trying to ruin her life. I hope she knows how much we love her and how grateful we are for being in J's life. You're in my thoughts and many, many prayers. If anyone can beat this, it will be you. I love you!

Happy Christmas

We had a great Christmas at our house.

Brent's family came over for Christmas lunch. I don't know if you know this, but amongst Brent's list of vast talents is "goodness - this man knows how to prepare meat!" He makes up these fabulous recipes and they're always awesome.

He was so excited about the holiday that he went a bit overboard on the turkey. He bought 3 of those turkey breasts from Costco and marinated them over night. It was a flavor extravaganza! He made raspberry chipotle turkey. He made citrus pepper turkey. He made Tuscan herb and pinenuts turkey.

Did I mention that he only has 2 siblings and that there are only 6 grandkids on that side of the family. There was a lot of food but I think everyone had a good time.

We ordered a new couch about 6 weeks ago. They told us it would be here by mid-December, which should have made it in plenty of time for both of our family parties. Yeah... still not here, but everyone made due on both sides. Maybe by next year we'll have adequate room and adequate seating.

As we were cleaning up last night after everyone had left Brent said, "THIS is why I wanted this house." It has room for everyone to be happy and together and play and not be right on top of everyone.

And, I'm so happy to say that my niece got out the sleeping bags and tested out the staircase. I was pretty sure they'd be awesome for sliding down and it turns out I was right.

I love the staircase in this house. I have dreams regularly of Jessica and Nathan playing on these stairs. Please, Heavenly Father.... please let us get Jessica back and get them both home soon.

Welcome to the Family!

In all our craziness last week, I neglected to announce my beautiful niece is here. She looks a lot like her lovely mother and a bit like my awesome brother.

I got the news that Lilly Elizabeth was born about 36 hours after we got the news about Miss Jess leaving us. I turned my car right around and went right to the hospital. Who needs to be to work on time when you can have reminders like this sweet angel that life is good and God is great and families are forever??

Welcome to the family, Miss Lilly Elizabeth. We're so excited to have you with us!

Can you imagine the jet lag these brand new little ones have?? What is the deal with all this cold and light? THIS was not in the brochure...

Lilly Elizabeth and her mommy and daddy - Paige and Brian
Is it just me or does that look like curly red hair???

Congratulations to Brian and Paige. We're so thrilled for you. (You did good yet again, B! You seem to have very good taste in women! ;) )

Idea for a Family Discussion About Gratitude During this Christmas Season

I had a random thought this morning (I know... shocker coming from me).

You're probably all familiar with the rubber wristbands that Lance Armstrong made popular a few years ago. The non-profit organization that supports our children's orphanage recently ordered a bunch of these. They say "Hope4LittleAngelsofHaiti" which is the name of our orphanage.

At this Christmas season, the list of what we think we need just grows and grows, right? I was thinking that it might make an interesting family discussion to tell your kids/family about Haiti and the kids there. You all have a connection to Haiti (like it or not) though me and my kids, so you can honestly tell them about your friends who live in a 3 room house with 68 other children and sleep on a tile floor because they don't have a bed. You can tell them that they only get to eat twice a day and that every meal is rice and beans.

You're welcome to use any pictures or stories on my blog for this discussion.

Another family who is adopting from our orphanage took their teenaged old son down with them on this trip and he made this video for a school project. It explains the problems in Haiti and I think he did a good job. You might find that your families would be interested in it. I don't think K will mind that I'm sharing it with you all. (Great job, again, K. You astound me with your talents at your age.)



ANYWAY, if you think your children would listen to this type of discussion, you could order those rubber wristbands for them to use to remember what they have. They come in lime green and light blue and you can order them for $1 by emailing your address and how many you want to hopeforlittleangelsofhaiti@gmail.com. They'll get them shipped to you.

If what our kids are going through can help your kids see how awesome their families are then maybe we all win, right?

Merry Christmas!

"...Now I Know What Every Step Is For - It Leads Me To Your Door..."

A few thoughts about this little man....

I found myself calling him "Sweetness". That's his new nickname from Momma. He's just a tender, snuggly, gentle little boy and he needs lots of love.

Nathan just turned two in August. The only time we've been to Haiti and he's felt well was the very first trip when he was 5 months old.

He's been sick every other time. That means he looks like this most of the time:

He did a lot of screaming this trip. He really just wanted Momma to hold him. And if you could please stand up and rock me while you do that. If I was sitting, he wasn't happy. I can't really blame him. He apparently hasn't felt well for most of his young life.

We did get him on an antibiotic again while we were there and by the end of the week he was playing around a bit
He really liked his Grandma
Once he realized that we'd brought more than one pair of shoes for HIM, he liked to carry a different pair to Grandma so she'd pick him up and change his shoes for him.
And then 10 minutes later, he'd take the other pair to her and want her to change them again. He was so excited to a) have multiple pairs of shoes, and b) to have adults that would do whatever he wanted or needed. I can't even imagine.

He does have a beautiful smile when he's feeling well. Unfortunately we don't see it much because it takes a few days for the antibiotics to kick in and get him feeling better and by then it's usually time for us to go.

Momma and Nathan slept in one bed and Papa and Jessica slept in the other bed. The first few nights, I'd lay down with him on my chest and rock him until he fell asleep. By the end of the week he could fall asleep without me holding him, but he still wanted - no NEEDED to be held. I think we all need that, right?

The last couple of nights he'd push me back so he could crawl onto my chest and he'd snuggle there and then he'd climb on and off and flip and turn and toss while he tried to get all the wiggles out and fall asleep.

I noticed no matter what position he ended up in, he'd have at least one foot or a hand still touching me.

There we'd be, lying in the dark with Papa and Jess already fast asleep on the other bed and Mr. Nathan trying to get comfy enough to sleep and wiggling and crawling around while he tried to unwind.

That's when the game would start.

In the darkness, I'd hear Sweetness say, "Mama?"

And I'd reply, "Yes, Baby?"

And he'd sigh, "Mmmmm...."

And then 10 seconds later, I'd hear, 'Mama?"

"Yes, Baby?"

"Mmmmm...."

We must have played that game 80 gajillion times those last two days.

I think it's part of Sweetness working out that Mama is really THERE and she's there for HIM.

One morning, I woke up as the morning light was coming through our window and I looked over at Sweetness, expecting to see him soundly sleeping.

Instead I found myself gazing into his beautiful chocolate eyes.

He'd been watching me sleep.

Another time, when I laid down with him to get him to take a nap, I closed my eyes (attempting to show him that we were going to sleep now") and a few moments later I felt Sweetness's tiny little boy fingers lightly skimming my eyelashes and then down my cheek, stroking my face.

I think it's as amazing for him to have a Momma as it is for me to have a son.

And then we had to leave him. And next time we'll have to start over again, helping him feel better and rebuilding trust.

Someday, you'll know Momma and Papa aren't going to leave you, Sweetness.

Someday, you'll realize that we've finally figured out that everything thus far in our lives has been leading up to finding you and your sister.

Someday, I'll be able to rock you to sleep in your very own room in your very own bed and you'll have your very own closet with all your very own shoes in it.

And someday, when you wake up scared in the night and call, "Mama??" I'll come running down the hall to sweep you up and hug you and say, "Yes, Baby, Mama's here."

Someday....
We love you, Little Man... Mama's Sweetness. Come home soon.

Fear Not To Do Good

For nearly 20 years, I have had a dear friend named, T. She is completely fabulous. She'll take random road trips with you and she doesn't even drive off the road when you get a little exuberant about reading the roadsigns. (But come on... which is more fun? a) reading the sign says Lookout Mountain or b) yelling "Lookout! Mountain!". I rest my case.)

We've taken air trips as well. We spent September 11, 2000 exploring the Twin Towers. I'm always where I need to be when I'm with T. A year later for that trip and.... you know the rest.

It was T that talked me into asking out my sweet Brent. I was a bit shy and unsure of myself. She bouyed me up.

T went with us on this last trip to Haiti. She said she needed some time away to forget about her own worries and just be somewhere that she could do "something that mattered." She wanted an opportunity to serve.

She'd planned some things for the orphanage - brought down a bear for every child, had some fun fans that also squirt water that they could play with, created a big beautiful map to show all the people around America that love the children in that orphanage. She got to see how the orphanage is. She got to see what Haiti is like - to feel the tension in the air as the people were demonstrating right outside our hotel. She didn't get to smell what Haiti is like but I don't think she feels sad about that one!

She also found someone she was missing... someone who was missing her... She found that she was led to Haiti so that she and this little guy could start the process to become a family. He'll be her little boy and she'll be his "Mama". I'm so thrilled for her, and for Ollie. I'm thrilled that the Lord has answered her prayers and that she is joyful again.
She said it much better than I did, so I'll direct those of you that know her to check it out here.

Welcome to the family, Ollie! I can't wait to see you and your momma together again soon!

She's thinking about you and praying for you every day. The labor of adoption has its own intensity.

We love you, T, and are so proud of you. You will be an excellent momma!

Guess Who Will Be In Charge At Our House?

Yeah... they're THAT cute....

I love this one...

It's been a fun weekend. We had a barbecue with my siblings on Friday night. Thanks to my sister-in-law, Chris, for sharing this pic of me with our new nephew, Rocco. He's so tiny (I know, Lindsay... you were in labor for over a day... I get it... He's still a very little human being!) He's very calm, as well. He's really a pretty content little guy. It was fun to see the family and Brian and Paige's backyard looks completely awesome. They've put in a great deck and done a lot of landscaping in the last year and a half. It's really come together nicely.

Tonight we went to the Raceway with our friends. Nothin' like people watching at the raceway for a good time. It's like MulletFest but for some reason most of the participants seem to think that it is attractive for your bra straps to be sticking out. Plus, the food at the Raceway must only taste good after a few beers, so since we don't drink....

Anyway, the fireworks were fun. I have to admit, Lee Greenwood ("Proud to Be an American") and Neil Diamond ("They're Comin' to America") still choke me up after all these years.

It's terribly late (or early) so I won't go on, but I'm grateful for America, and for our servicemen and women. God Bless America!

Lions, and Tigers, and Bears....

This last weekend my company had a Family Zoo day. We stole our niece and made her act as our proxy child for the day. She had a great time. Here are a few shots:


A thought the giraffes were AWESOME....

She rode the carousel with Aunt Lori.


Rode the train - You can see this was the end of the day and we'd had a "diaper overflow" by this point. Yeah... we rock as parents!


And this was what she looked like about a minute and a half after we pulled out of the zoo parking lot. I think that means it was a great day!

That evening, we got together with some of Brent's best friends from high school. Can't believe it's been 20 years.

Can you tell which 3 were on the basketball team?


It was great to see the guys and their families. They had a great time playing basketball together. The part where the rim at the park was only 8' high didn't hurt at all either!

Fun day all around!

Sale Yards, Walls, Money, Support

It's been an interesting weekend so far! Yesterday we had the yard sale (or "Sale Yard", as my friend's son calls it) at the Event Center in Taylorsville and the neighborhood had a yard sale for the orphanage as well.

The one at the Event Center was a ton of work - we had a U-haul and trailers and had to get everything from Eagle Mountain and Heber and Lehi up to the Convention Center. I think the crowd was significantly less than the 4K they projected. After the first date was cancelled for rain, they scheduled it for Memorial Day weekend and I think that really hurt the crowds. There were always a few people going through, but it wasn't "packed" like it was supposed to be. We ended up with mostly "small ticket items" - clothes and books and VHS tapes.


People were so fascinating to watch. And it was amazing to watch what people were interested in which items and when they would haggle over a $.25.


The funniest thing that happened to me was probably the couple that bought one of the "Hope for Little Angels of Haiti" T-shirts. The husband wanted one, so I got his size and put it in a bag and handed it to him. His wife gave me the money and then she said to me, "Now, can I wear this to work?"

I looked at her like, "How on earth would I know that?" and she still wanted an answer from me, so I said, "Sure! Why not!"

She said, "Yes! Oh, good!"

Her husband said, "Why are you asking that lady if you can wear this to work?"

And she said (wait for it), "Well, I wanted to know because we're not allowed to wear T-shirts to my work. But it's OK. She said it would be fine."

Her husband said, 'Honey.... this IS a T-shirt." and they walked away as he was trying to explain the finer points of what makes a T-shirt to his lovely, oblivious bride.

Awesome.

My neighborhood also had a yard sale for the orphanage. And I KNOW it was a ton of work, even if they didn't haul things to other counties. I am sad that we weren't able to be there because we'd already committed to be at the E-Center sale, but Jessica pulled things off with flying colors. I haven't spoken to her yet, but I can see from the comments from my neighbors on Facebook that it was "huge", "amazing" and that Jessica raised $1200 for the orphanage! (That, by the way, is the exact same amount we raised at the E-Center sale. Pretty impressive! My neighborhood is awesome!!)

I'm so touched by the outpouring of support! Jessica does so much for everyone else. I've mentioned before that her husband is away "playing soldier" (as my dad would say) and she's got her own busy family and home to run in his absence and she still finds time to take care of her neighbors and friends. She's a wonderful, caring, dynamic woman and we're very lucky to have her for a neighbor! Thank you, Jessica!

Speaking of soldiers, the Vietnam Traveling Memorial was in Ogden yesterday. It's a smaller-scale replica of the memorial in Washington, D.C. My father is a Vietnam Veteran and my mom's brother was killed in Vietnam. That memorial has a special place for me and my family.

When I was 19 I was able to travel to Maryland to meet up with my dad, who was out there on business, and we spent a week together seeing the area of the country where I was born (military brat born on Ft. George G. Meade in Maryland). We were able to go to The Wall on one of our days in D.C. and I was able to touch Uncle Niel's name and make a rubbing on it for myself. I know I'll never really understand what it was like for Niel, for my dad, for any of the thousands and thousands of veterans who gave or risked their lives in this and other conflicts, but I'm so grateful that they are willing to serve.

The way I see it, the United States of America is the "cool big brother" that all the other nations wish they could be. We have so much. We've been given so much. I believe that we have a global and eternal responsibility to our brothers and sisters. We're supposed to watch out for everyone smaller than us. I believe that God will hold us accountable for the things we could have prevented and didn't, for the burdens we could have lifted but ignored, for the wrongs we could have tried to right and allowed to occur. That doesn't mean that I agree with everything that has happened in these wars. Of course I don't. It would be fabulous if people could be reasoned with over a table and the evil dictators of the world would recognize the wrongs of their ways and play nicely with each other.

Unfortunately, that's not how people work. "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." Card Carrying Members of the Evil Dictators' Club will always be Card Carrying Members of the Evil Dictators' Club. Sometimes people are evil and sometimes it does take force to try to purge evil or prevent that evil from spreading.

But enough of my soap box...

The point is, my brother and his wife took their kids to Ogden with my parents yesterday. My mom was able to show them Niel's name. My dad was able to point out the names of men he knew in Vietnam. They showed them Niel's medals. They explained why he was there and why he was killed. They told them that Niel was a medic and that he was on the front lines and had gone to try to recover another wounded soldier when he, himself, was shot and killed. They showed them Bobby Shelton's name - the soldier Niel was trying to save. They made the names real. They gave them flesh and soul.

A reporter from the Ogden paper was there and snapped this picture of my niece, Romy, touching Uncle Niel's name with the roses they'd brought to leave for him.

I look at this picture and I see her face trying to puzzle out all the things she's been told and trying to reconcile the tears on her grandma's face with the small, stiff letters spelling out "Niel B. Riggs". She may not "get it". But it touched her and she's trying to make it a part of who she'll be. I see the reflection of my mother, behind Ro, supporting her, guiding her, holding the box of Niel's medals. And I think, "THAT is what it's all about. Those who travel this life are to do their best to make things better for those that follow. Whether they teach, or nurture, or build, or defend, or sacrifice. That is what we've been asked to do."

That is what God expects from us as nations and families and individuals - that we watch out for each other. Even when we've passed, there is still an influence of our works as we are reflected in the lives of our children and our grandnieces and our neighbors and the orphans in Haiti that we may never meet, but whose lives we have made better. Our presence, our legacy... is in that support. It's in what Niel means to me. It's in what the Wall represents. It's in my mother teaching my family. It's in the image of my father in his uniform. It's in Jessica having a yard sale for babies that she won't see for many, many months but whose mouths she is feeding now.

This? This is good. This is right. Thank God for America and for the freedom to be and do and support to the best of our abilities.

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend.

Blech

I dislike Mother's Day.
OK. I'll be honest... I despise it with the fires of a thousand suns.... I loathe every little Greeting Card Industry/"Every Kiss begins with K" fiber of its being. I hate Valentine's Day for the same reason. It's just another reason for Walmart to change out their impulse displays. And I find it maddening.

And then there's the requisite Mother's Day Church Program. Normally I do OK in Church on weeks when the talks are all about families and motherhood and how wonderful it is. My little friend, Cymbalta, even makes it so that I don't sob embarrassingly loud at the unfairness of such things. I can watch other women getting pregnant and having babies and blessing those babies and know that it will never, ever be me. And I'm usually OK with that. Usually...

The speakers yesterday where some kind men in our ward. On of them was our dear neighbor who told about how very much he's in love with his wife. I am so proud of Rob for being willing to share his feelings. I was very touched by his words. Your wife is amazing and the two of you pull together a lot to get the family environment you have.

And then they had the Primary children sing and the female teachers sang the counterpoint to their song. :

Mother, tell me a story that I love to hear. Tell me of heaven and how I came here.
Tell how you love me and gently speak and then I'll go to sleep.

Child, I am here, can you feel that heaven is near? Sleep, sleep a love watch I'll keep to protect you through the night.

And it hit me, as we were up there singing in front of all my neighbors... it so completely sucks that I can't say those words to my babies. That I'm not there to protect them. That they're probably sleeping on the tile floor because it's cooler than their bunks. That I'm NOT there for them.

And you know, even when they do come home, I'll still hate Mother's Day and I"ll still ache for the unfairness of it all. How often does life actually turn out the way we plan?

Deep, cleansing breath... The Lord Never Cheats Anyone. The Lord Never Cheats Anyone. The Lord Never Cheats Anyone.