Sunday, May 10, 2009

Blech

I dislike Mother's Day.
OK. I'll be honest... I despise it with the fires of a thousand suns.... I loathe every little Greeting Card Industry/"Every Kiss begins with K" fiber of its being. I hate Valentine's Day for the same reason. It's just another reason for Walmart to change out their impulse displays. And I find it maddening.

And then there's the requisite Mother's Day Church Program. Normally I do OK in Church on weeks when the talks are all about families and motherhood and how wonderful it is. My little friend, Cymbalta, even makes it so that I don't sob embarrassingly loud at the unfairness of such things. I can watch other women getting pregnant and having babies and blessing those babies and know that it will never, ever be me. And I'm usually OK with that. Usually...

The speakers yesterday where some kind men in our ward. On of them was our dear neighbor who told about how very much he's in love with his wife. I am so proud of Rob for being willing to share his feelings. I was very touched by his words. Your wife is amazing and the two of you pull together a lot to get the family environment you have.

And then they had the Primary children sing and the female teachers sang the counterpoint to their song. :
Mother, tell me a story that I love to hear. Tell me of heaven and how I came here.
Tell how you love me and gently speak and then I'll go to sleep.

Child, I am here, can you feel that heaven is near? Sleep, sleep a love watch I'll keep to protect you through the night.
And it hit me, as we were up there singing in front of all my neighbors... it so completely sucks that I can't say those words to my babies. That I'm not there to protect them. That they're probably sleeping on the tile floor because it's cooler than their bunks. That I'm NOT there for them.

And you know, even when they do come home, I'll still hate Mother's Day and I"ll still ache for the unfairness of it all. How often does life actually turn out the way we plan?

Deep, cleansing breath... The Lord Never Cheats Anyone. The Lord Never Cheats Anyone. The Lord Never Cheats Anyone.

11 comments:

Sally said...

For what it's worth, I hate it too. I end up feeling guilty for not having the kind of personality or mothering style that people would talk about in church, even though at the same time I don't WANT to be that kind of person. I am usually satisfied with how I'm doing at things, and content being me, until Mother's Day comes. I stayed home yesterday and missed it not! Points to you for going, though. I'm a coward. And by the way, I pray that my Jack, or any of my children at any age could have you for a teacher.

David and Candice said...

I thought about you yesterday,but I also thought what a amazing person you and brent are with getting the non-profit set up and all the fundrasing you guys do. you have touched so many little kids life's. you are a amazing person and I feel like a lucky person to get to know you. your a amazing soul!! we love you guys and are so thankful for all the hard work you guys do for all the children at the orphange!-Candice

mlg said...

I'm not fond of Mother's Day for different reasons, but hang in there I think you will like it when your kids are home and they are up on the stand singing out of tune to YOU on Mother's Day!

Pete said...

Mother's Day sucks for everyone. I'm sure your babies thought about you yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your kind thoughts Lori....I wish sometimes I had words that would take the ache you constantly have in your heart away. But I know that there is nothing I could ever do or say that could completely help you. Just know that I love you and that we feel deeply for your situation. We love you. - Cliss

jessica rabbit said...

I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be. My sister will probably never be able to have children of her own. We've always been so close and it kills me that I was able to have kids and not her. I would do anything to change that. Anytime she is having a hard time with it (especially mothers day) I struggle in knowing what to say to make her feel even a little bit better. I don't know what to say to you either. But you ARE right, the Lord never cheats anyone. You WILL get your chance. And you will be SO rewarded for the awesome things you've done for so many children's lives! I think it is so great the things you do for aALL of those kids at the orphanage, not just yours. I really really admire you. I do. Hey...anytime you're sad, call me. I'll send my kids over for a week or two. ;)

leadatortilla said...

I feel dumb making a comment on your blog. Nothing I say will make anything feel better - but I just have write anyways. I was sitting there in church Sunday deciding "I'm NOT GOING TO FEEL GUILTY" about all the things I can't seem to do seemlessly (as all the others do). And I was also thinking of you, wondering how much your heart must ache to be next to your little ones. We'll keep dreaming and praying for the day to come sooner when you will be singing and whispering in their little ears. Thank you for being there on Sunday - you are such an important person for those little ones in your class and all around you. I can't tell you that enough. Hugs to you.

Crystal said...

Can I please share your cymbalta? Ha I didn't go to church on Sunday for many reasons this being one of them. None of them good excuses. But my faith is being so tested right now and I need to remember that "the Lord never cheats anyone" but I am miserable right now. Thankfully my daugther in YW had enough willingness to want to go so that mothers could go to RS she wanted to teach the little ones. She might be who gets me through this time right now.

Me said...

I understand 100% how badly Mothers Day sucks.I'm sorry. Even with a new little one at home, I still kind of hated it. I'm like you and think I always will. I have years of bitterness built up towards that day. Yes, I'm as weird as I sound.

Lila

Tanya H said...

Can I get an AMEN?! Even though I'm out of the country, I STILL couldn't bring myself to go listen to the "Parade of Mothers" in another language. Pain transcends all languages.
Even if you don't believe me, I thought of you. And believe me when I say that there is always survivor's guilt. Kudos to you for braving the beast.

Rachael said...

Okay Lori - I've been meaning to stop by your blog for days now since Lea told me about your feelings on Mothers Day.

Here's my thought - TAKE A VACATION ON MOTHERS DAY!!!! Seriously. We have some amazing friends from Texas who could never get pregnant - and when Mothers Day came around they would all get together and go to Seven Flags for the day. I know it's Sunday - you have to do what you feel good about. But seriously my dear - GO DO SOMETHING FUN on that Sunday!!!! Leave church. Don't go to church!! Sounds horrible saying that - and you know I'm not advocating anti-church practices. But this is 1 Sunday you do NOT need to be there. Call me next year - we'll go catch a concert at Snowbird or go hiking - or something! Trust me - we'll find something.

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