Friday, February 13, 2009

Police Improv

I know I promised part II of the Jess Hair Saga. First, though, I have to tell you about my commute to work yesterday. My friend, Jory says I attract weird people and things, because I always seem to have a story about something. (I, of course, take that opportunity to remind him that it must be true because, after all, I know him. :) )

So there I am, in the commuter lane, minding my own business. Suddenly, on the far right lane, a highway patrol officer flips on his lights and his siren. He's only 2 cars ahead of me, so I'm RIGHT THERE for the action. I watch to see who he's going to pull over (and no, it was not me).

To all of our surprise, he begins slaloming back and forth across all 7 lanes of traffic. It's a weird thing to watch. At first you wonder if he's OK. It seems like some sort of automotive seizure. Then you frantically try to remember your Driver's Education days to see if they told you what this means and you remember that they only went over what to do when the lights and sirens are behind you and that slaloming was definitely NOT covered. Meanwhile, he's still slaloming and everyone's slowing down and trying to "SLOW" since that's what we think it means.

Of course, there's a couple of idiots who think that the entire freeway has spontaneously decided to drive 5 miles per hour for no good reason that start trying to whip around cars and get back up to the open space they can see. Seriously, friend in the white sports car... Think for two seconds. What are the odds that everyone - EVERYONE - would drive that speed simultaneously without reason. I know based on what you see on TV and music videos, sometimes it seems that people regularly break out into synchronized dance moves, but that doesn't really happen. Maybe you should get out more. People just aren't that organized.

I actually found myself talking to Mr. White Sports Car from inside my car. As I was yelling something like, "Pay attention! There's a policeman slaloming ahead! STAY BACK!" I realized that while I know the universal sign for choking, and I know what sign indicates "This is a McGruff house and it's safe to ask for help", I actually don't know enough signs to say "Police Slalom Ahead!!!" I really should have studied more Sign Language.

Which also makes me wonder how the police train for these types of things. I think they should have an improv class. It would be like, "OK, Officer Jenkins, you're up next. The scene is: Large debris on the freeway and you need to slow down all the lanes of traffic by yourself. Go!" and then Officer Jenkins would be like, "What's my motivation again?" and the teacher would be like, "Give me "Panic" and he'd be like, "OK. I'm ready" and then he'd start flipping on the lights and sirens and slaloming all over the place. And then everyone would clap at his brilliance except for Mr. White Sports Car who shouldn't be there anyway because this class is just for policemen.

Mr. White Sports Car really is an idiot.


Bambi and Adam said...

That is so funny.Yes, I too have seen very many Mr. White Sports cars AND they never get caught being an idiot either.

Pete and Mare said...

Thanks for the laugh and for reminding me why I don't miss traffic. A few months back while we were in SLC traffic Anthonie asked us for the definition of traffic and we both laughed. No but really, I have to agree with you Mr. Unsafe Crazy White sports car really is an idiot and he better be more careful!!! I hope you never see him again but if you do please use your special ASL skills and tell him I said so. ~Mare :0)

The Brown's said...

LUCKY!I have always wanted to see that! Not the idiot but the policeman trying to stop traffic. I could teach you some asl skills that you could use but when your driving with your kids you are strickly forbidden to use them:O)

jessica rabbit said...

You seriously crack me up! You're sucha great story teller!

I've seen that happen before---the police thingie. I seriously thought there was something wrong with the cop and I was worried!

Brenda said...

I wonder if your slaloming HP officer is the same internet surfing HP officer I followed for quite some time yesterday. I'm certain he could only see out of half his windshield. I was absolutely impressed with his ability to type with one hand and drive with the other. Apparently, texting on your phone is out but typing on your laptop is ok.

moyesmania said...

Thanks for the laugh of the day, now I look crazy sitting in my office all alone reading your post and laughing out loud. I love talking to other drivers when I am in my car, and my kids constantly remind me that "they can't hear you mom!" Great story Lori!

Heather said...

Well first off I am laughing at your rendition of your wierd commute to hard to comment...OK pulling myself together...Yes, I am sure we should have learned ASL for that particular thing...You just never know when your going to need it. I am still trying to figure out how to say, "please stop calling me "blanc" don't you know in my heart I am one of you" in Creole. I can't do that, but I am your girl if you need me to order you a bottle of water...

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