Monday, November 10, 2008

Stuck In a Moment You Can't Get Out Of

I have had a hard time posting since we returned from this last trip. On some level, I feel like if I post about the kids and share my excitement, we'll lose them again.

This has been the year of deja vu. Let me take you on a little stroll down memory lane.

This is our family in January when we went to meet our daughter and son. We'd been matched with them since October.

We were so thrilled to meet and be with Lexi and Nathan. Love at first sight! Daddy knew this was his son. We were so grateful and happy.

Then February came and we found out their mother had changed her mind and we'd lost them.

In March, we started over and selected beautiful Malot to be our son. And it felt right and our hearts were healing and we were happy.

In June we went down to meet Malot (never heard another word on Lexi and Nathan). Malot, as you may remember, kept talking about his friend named Jessica. So we went back to the orphanage on Thursday of that week and brought Jessica with us as well. Once again we were a family.It seemed fated, led, meant to be. And we were grateful and we were happy.

We made plans to go back and visit Malot and Jessica in October. Our flight left on a Sunday. The Friday before that we were told that Malot had been very ill and that his uncle (who hadn't been to the orphanage to see him in 3.5 years) had taken him back. The orphanage had pulled in the authorities, but children don't have rights in Haiti. He was gone.

We moved forward with the trip, hoping and praying that we'd be able to find Malot's uncle. So we went to visit our Jessica. Thursday of that trip we were notified that Lexi and Nathan's mom had changed her mind AGAIN and that Nadia had been working with her for a few weeks to make sure she was "definite" this time. They took Nathan's mom to the courts and she and his birthfather signed relinquishment papers in front of the judge. So we got Nathan back and we were shocked and in awe and stunned and grateful and we were happy.
So after all of that, we're in the exact same spot now that we were in January. Our files are still waiting to go into IBESR. We've lost this year. Since this process takes about a year, we're still a year out from being able to bring them home.

Brent and I both have frequent dreams about the kids. Sometimes for me, it's just Nathan and Jessica. Sometimes Malot is there, too. Sometimes they're fabulous dreams. Sometimes they're terrifying. And each time, we wake up with our arms empty and wonder if this time it will "stick".

It seems like this year has been about introductions, falling in love and loss. I'm not sure what else can happen and I'm afraid to blog about it because I don't even understand it myself.

What does it take to get our family to "stick"?


mlg said...

This journey is hard on so many levels, you guys are some of the best people I know and it isn't fair that this has been "your" trial, I think the only thing we can do is to have faith that the children that belong in our homes will eventually get there, even if it is a year late!
PS. I have those same dreams too!

Pete and Mare said...

Lori, I sure do love you guys! I'm so sorry that this is happening! This is such an over the top bummer! It really stinks! I feel horrible that you and Brent, two of the coolest people and parents I've ever known, have to pass through this immense time of grief and loss. I'm so thankful that you have each other under these amazingly difficult circumstances. We are here for you guys too Lori. You both have such big hearts and have such deep faith. I do feel that Nathan and Jessica are yours and I still hope and pray every day for Malot. I love him and I'm angry that I didn't get to hold him and hug him. I did hold and hug Jessica and Nathan and I really do feel they are yours. I believe strongly that your children and your family are very special and that you and Brent as parents have such a bright future to look forward to with your children. The faith and love that you guys are applying in brining your family home is deeper than most parents will ever endure or possibly understand, but you will be so blessed for this. You will have your family home soon Lori. I love you! I'm praying for you all and hoping that this will be your last holiday season apart. I'd ask you to keep hang in there but I already know that you are. ;)

After having a baby die before she was placed with us, and 2 birth moms change their minds... by the time our baby girl was placed in our arms and came home I was in a lot of pain. For a long time, I watched her sleep, eat and treated her like a china doll. I kept asking myself if she was a dream. After time all the heartache and loss was gone and in the place of it was pure joy(that really took place for me the day she was sealed to us in the temple.) I can't wait until you guys both are watching your little one's running around your living room laughing and playing together, eating and sleeping together. It will happen soon Lori, it will. I love you my friend!

R AND R AND Z said...

L and B
I can relate to you when you say It is hars to post. Sharing our joy is great but our heart are breaking every day that we do not have our kids in our arms. I really am sorry that your journey has been so hard, and i know that there are no words that well make it any eaiser. Just know that you have alot of people our there that are on your side and we are two of them and if you need anything just let us know. Love you both
R and R

Rachael said...

Lori - what happened to Lexi? Is she all right? Why did she not come back with Nathan?

moyesmania said...

Brent and Lori,
I wish I had the answer to why things happen, and why we have to go through the things we do in this life, but I want to share a quote from Joseph B. Wirthlin's October Conference talk that has brought me comfort lately...."The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude".
I love you both and have so much admiration for the amazing people that you are!

Perla said...

You've got to get yourself together,
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it...
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

(don't forget the rest of the song. you've all got tons of prayers going your way and i know that it will pass and your family will stick)

Salzwedel Family said...

This post really hit home with me as we are trying to figure out the next steps since our birthmom changed her mind. It's hard. I'm tired of our dossier collecting dust.

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