Stuck In a Moment You Can't Get Out Of

I have had a hard time posting since we returned from this last trip. On some level, I feel like if I post about the kids and share my excitement, we'll lose them again.

This has been the year of deja vu. Let me take you on a little stroll down memory lane.

This is our family in January when we went to meet our daughter and son. We'd been matched with them since October.

We were so thrilled to meet and be with Lexi and Nathan. Love at first sight! Daddy knew this was his son. We were so grateful and happy.

Then February came and we found out their mother had changed her mind and we'd lost them.

In March, we started over and selected beautiful Malot to be our son. And it felt right and our hearts were healing and we were happy.

In June we went down to meet Malot (never heard another word on Lexi and Nathan). Malot, as you may remember, kept talking about his friend named Jessica. So we went back to the orphanage on Thursday of that week and brought Jessica with us as well. Once again we were a family.It seemed fated, led, meant to be. And we were grateful and we were happy.


We made plans to go back and visit Malot and Jessica in October. Our flight left on a Sunday. The Friday before that we were told that Malot had been very ill and that his uncle (who hadn't been to the orphanage to see him in 3.5 years) had taken him back. The orphanage had pulled in the authorities, but children don't have rights in Haiti. He was gone.

We moved forward with the trip, hoping and praying that we'd be able to find Malot's uncle. So we went to visit our Jessica. Thursday of that trip we were notified that Lexi and Nathan's mom had changed her mind AGAIN and that Nadia had been working with her for a few weeks to make sure she was "definite" this time. They took Nathan's mom to the courts and she and his birthfather signed relinquishment papers in front of the judge. So we got Nathan back and we were shocked and in awe and stunned and grateful and we were happy.
So after all of that, we're in the exact same spot now that we were in January. Our files are still waiting to go into IBESR. We've lost this year. Since this process takes about a year, we're still a year out from being able to bring them home.

Brent and I both have frequent dreams about the kids. Sometimes for me, it's just Nathan and Jessica. Sometimes Malot is there, too. Sometimes they're fabulous dreams. Sometimes they're terrifying. And each time, we wake up with our arms empty and wonder if this time it will "stick".

It seems like this year has been about introductions, falling in love and loss. I'm not sure what else can happen and I'm afraid to blog about it because I don't even understand it myself.

What does it take to get our family to "stick"?

LOST

We just found out that the birth mother came and took the kids back. We've lost our family, just like that.

She had gone into interview with USCIS and had signed their paperwork. They apparently asked for a DNA sample as they had some reason to question whether she was actually their mother. We've been told before that USCIS really grills the birth parents - "You know you'll NEVER see these children again" kinda thing. I don't know if that's what changed her mind.

That night, after the orphanage director had gone home, she came back with a car and demanded the children back. The police got involved. Apparently it was quite a scene. At any rate, the orphanage was forced to give them back to her. She also asked the orphanage for money, which they refused. It doesn't bode well for the situation they're now in.

I can't feel like this is over. It seems like it was a rash decision on her part and that she's not any more able to care for them now than she was initially.

Prayers. Please. I don't know what else to do.

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face…

Rachael asked me awhile ago to describe what it was like to see our kids for the first time.

It was like discovering oxygen. Breathing for the first time. Realizing you're finally home after a very long trip.

There were tears. Nathan cried because he was tired. And probably because he was surrounded by strange white people.

Brent and I cried to have a long dream finally realized. There's something about meeting the other half of your heart that causes words to fail.

They didn't bring Lexi back to the orphanage from the hospital until RIGHT when we were getting ready to leave to head back to the hotel. We didn't get any "moment we met each other" pictures with her. This is our first shot as a family, taken from the terribly cramped back of the modified VW van we used for transportation that week.

Ties That Bind

I took all sorts of toys to Haiti, hoping to be able to play with Lexi. I had no idea she was sick until we got there. She didn't want to LOOK at the toys, let alone play with them. I can't blame her. With everything her little body was going through (parasites, worms, ringworm, scabies....) she was exhausted and just wanted to rest.


I had purchased a little necklace and bracelet made out of brightly colored wooden beads. I had envisioned that she'd like to wear them and "dress up". She cried the day I tried to put them on her. And the next day when I tried again. It broke my heart that we couldn't play at all. I wanted her to have some pleasant memory of Mommy and Daddy.


The next to last day, I was holding her and rocking her when an idea struck me. I reached over and picked up the necklace and looped it twice around my own wrist. Then I set my wrist back down where she could see it and waited for a minute or two. Then I reached over for the bracelet and held it out to her. She lifted up her little arm and held it out for me to put the bracelet on. It was OK to wear it if Mommy was doing it as well. At least, that's how I chose to view it.



So, I still wear this bracelet. It reminds me of my daughter and I hope she's still wearing hers, 2800 miles away in Haiti.


I love you, Lexi. I hope we'll soon have happy memories together.

Two Points for the Lord!!

We received a call from Wasatch International tonight. They'd heard from our agency and reported that Lexi has made a "sudden and remarkable recovery". Harry (our liasion in Haiti) was amazed at the turnaround she made today. They'll release her from the hospital tonight or tomorrow.

We know this is directly related to the many prayers our friends and family have offered up on her behalf. We are so grateful for the love and support received by our family, and particularly our daughter.

I've been so worried about her. This is my journal entry from last night:

"We're having a family fast for Lexi today. I'm pretty worried and
really wish I had the details on what is wrong with her and that I could be
there to hold her and rock her.

I wonder all the time what she thinks of the week we were there. Does
it seem like a strange dream? Does she think about it? Does she have
any idea who we were or that we are coming back for her?

I know she doesn't have anyone to hold her at the hospital. I hope she'll somehow know how many people are praying for her right now and have combined their faith to plead with the Lord to help her heal. "

Thank you for loving us and for your continued prayers and support. We're so grateful for what we've experienced and for Lexi's improvement.

Here We Go Again...

We received a call this evening and were notified that our sweet Alexis is in the hospital again. We don't know details, but can only assume it's more complications/dehydration/etc from the parasites that have been ravaging her body.

During our time in Haiti, there were points where she was so sick and weak that Brent and I looked at each other and wondered if she was going to make it. It was that bad after they'd RELEASED her from the hospital.

Now we hear that she's back in the hospital - no more information than that. This time she doesn't have Mommy to hold her and help her feel better. And Mommy needs that as much as Lexi does. I don't want to rely on 4th-hand information from a medical center in Haiti that, while they're trying to do their best.... it just isn't aways enough.

PLEASE PRAY for Alexis Sophia, her health, comfort, her body's ability to get stronger, and for the doctors and nurses caring for her - that they will be led to the best solutions get her home and healthy as soon as possible.


Come Home Soon! Mommy and Daddy Need You!

Mommy's Favorite Girl

Lexi has been very sick. She weighed 34 lbs a month ago and now she's down to 22 lbs. She has had a pretty serious parasite. They had her in the hospital for 5 days on IV antibiotics and fluids before we got there. They actually brought her home from the hospital just when we arrived at the orphanage to pick up our kids. They told us that she passed a rather large roundworm in the hospital (about 7-10 inches). A worm that size takes a lot of food from a child. We had her on an additional dewormer and antibiotic while she was with us.

The poor kid was just miserably sick. She just wanted to be held those first few days. She didn't even respond to her birth name (Kimberly), although I'm not sure if it's because it doesn't get used much in the orphanage or that she was just so sick that she didn't care whether we were speaking to her or not.

We brought all sorts of toys and she wasn't interested in anything. Momma and Lexi just hung out and held each other. I rubbed her back a lot and just tried to help her to be as comfortable as possible.

She was so ill that those first 2 days she didn't even want you to LOOK at her, let alone touch her (like to attempt a tickle or kiss her cheek). She just laid listless in my arms and I rubbed her back.

By the 3rd day, she would actually nod when we'd ask her with Creole words if she was going to be sick or if she was hungry, so she was starting to come around.

She had several nights with diarrhea all night long. Neither mommy nor Lexi slept very well that week.

At about 5 AM on the fourth morning, I realized that I would only get one more "sleep" with them before I had to give them back to the orphanage. I wanted so much for Lexi to have some memory with us that didn't involve her being so ill. Some happy thought. As all of these thoughts started to rush through my head I pulled my sleeping Lexi over onto my chest. I just wanted to hug and touch her.

For the next 2 hours I rubbed her back and touched her hair (which has kind of a spicy scent when she's sick) and smoothed over her face, trying to take it all in. I found myself singing a song to her, a little lullaby that just came to me. It goes to the tune of the Primary song, "Reverently, Quietly". I wouldn't say the lyrics are great, but they seemed to fit, particularly as we'd spent the better part of 4 days with Lexi laying on Mommy's stomach.

Renmen ou (pronounced Rayn-mayn oo) means "Love you" in Creole.

Renmen ou, Renmen ou,

Lexi is my sweetest girl.

Renmen ou, Renmen ou,

Lexi is my favorite girl.

Renmen ou, Renmen ou,

This is how we lay.

Help my Lexi feel well

In my arms today.

I sang that softly over and over and over while stroking her back and hair. I rocked her and sang for about an hour. I felt it was a pretty good Mommy soothing moment. Lexi seemed to be in and out of awareness, but she was very relaxed and seemed to be soothed by the gentle touches.

Later that day, I had her in my arms, in our now standard position. And I was talking to her while rubbing her back as had become my custom. This time, however, when I said, "Lexi, Mommy loves you." she looked up at me and met my eyes. I was intrigued, but wasn't sure that she'd actually understood what I said. I tested it a few more times over the next few minutes, and sure enough, when I would say, "Lexi", she would look me in the eye. I was so excited! I swooped her up in my arms and said, "Lexi, does Mommy love you?" and she looked at me and nodded her head. I gave her a big squeeze and then I kissed her cheek and she surprised me by actually leaning into my kiss instead of pulling away and screaming. She knew what we were talking about and it was OK for Mommy to kiss her now because she understood that Mommy loved her.

This may not make sense if you haven't been through something like this, but I started to sob when I realized that my little girl knew that I loved her and that the silly little lullaby had helped her to recognize her name. You've got to realize that I'd asked her all sorts of questions in English and it was always obvious that she had no idea what I was talking about. She'd only answer 2 questions in Creole (Sick and Hungry) and then only with a nod.

For the rest of that day, we built on that.

Lexi now knows that Papa loves her, too. And he's also allowed to kiss her now. and she'd even let him hold and snuggle her. Once that was understood, she started to smile and actually let us tickle her a bit (she was still pretty weak).

Renmen ou, Alexis Sophia.

Come Home Soon!