It was a horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad day. Clients making all sorts of requests and I felt like it was all waiting on me. I hate being the bottleneck to processes.
Then I started getting discouraged about how the progress on our paperwork seems to have flatlined and no one is saying anything. Sometimes I just want to scream and say, "Just tell me if this whole adoption thing needs Last Rites! Don't let me keep hoping if this is never going to happen!"
Today was one of those days where I feel like throwing a temper tantrum and putting the Lord on timeout until He gives me what I want. "There! Let Him take THAT!! See how much HE likes it! That'll teach Him!!"
That's what I'd call "less effective".
Then I had a chance to chat with a good friend tonight and found myself realizing how blessed we really are. I was reminded that "everyone is the same amount of important." :)
I have a car, air conditioning, a husband who can do anything, a country that lets me work to help provide for my family without fearing for my life, the freedom to worship how I feel I should, the ability to vote, and vending machines. Will miracles never cease?? I don't even want to imagine what would happen if there were somehow vending machines in Haiti. Rioting! That's what would happen.
We have family members who support us and our babies. They hold yard sales and donate proceeds to the O. They make crafts and donate them to the store for the O. They pray for us. They help us get them home.
I don't know why we have to go through this. I don't know why it seems that the very powers of hell are combined to see that these adoptions don't happen. I don't know why we seem to have an indefinite "gestation" period to get our babies here.
I think it's really easy to feel like God only loves us if we get what we want in this life. But if that were true, then what would that mean for the Gracies of the world? Is she somehow "less important" because her whole life was a trial? Was her life "worth it"? I think about her a lot. I don't think she had any idea how much she was teaching other people.
My thoughts keep coming back to the fact that I either believe that "the Lord never cheats anyone", or I don't. It can't be "the Lord doesn't cheat most people" or "usually the Lord doesn't cheat people" or "if the Lord likes you he won't cheat you." The Gospel is either true or it isn't. This whole "earth life" thing is either for our own good or it isn't. There aren't gray areas. So when I start to feel cheated or when I still feel cheated, what am I missing? What else is happening that I'm not seeing or refusing to see?
So, rather than "taking my toys and going home", I think I'll try to take a minute to remember how awesome it is to have electricty... that my friend's premature baby is healthy... that they can operate on Poppa's cancer... that I can see colors... that other adoptive parents see Champagne Cola in the store and think of us...that my friend can go to Haiti with us next time... that my husband puts up with me... that I have a job...that even though there are people who are mean and ugly and do rotten things there's still a point to all of this and that IN THE END, we'll get what we desire.
Jessica and Nathan are some pretty amazing little souls. I can't wait for you all to meet them.
In the meantime, thanks for praying that we'll keep holding on.