Coping

Believe it or not, there have been entire years of our life together where nothing much has happened. We don't usually have this much drama.

Someone told me the other day that there was a point in the life of her family where they wondered what else they could possibly lose. They ended up moving across several states and things worked out in the end.

In the last few weeks we've found out that we're losing a job, I lost an ovary, and now we've lost our children.

It looks like Brent will be going back to school. It turns out that was a blessing and good timing for us after all.

When I finish healing, I'll feel a lot better with all these cysts removed - ovary or not. That is also a blessing.

I don't know how to reconcile Lexi and Nathan. It still feels like SOMEHOW this will work out and we'll end up with them.

We wrote a letter to their birth mom (Bernadette) and our agency is having it translated into French and Creole and they'll get it to the orphanage who will get it to Bernadette. We also sent a few of our favorite family photos. I don't know if it will make a difference. One of our case workers felt strongly prompted to have us write the letter and we certainly were willing to do so. I think that's all we can do.

And so... we wait. We distract ourselves. We keep getting up every day. And we keep thinking about them. Praying for them. Hoping. I don't think you can fill a hole the size of Lexi and Nathan without Lexi and Nathan.

A friend reminded me that when you can no longer see, faith is continuing to move forward and trusting that the light will move with you.

In the words of my one of my favorite hymns:

Fear not, I am with thee, oh be not dismayed

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go

The rivers of sorrow shall not thee ov'rflow

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

Renmen ou, Lexi and Nathan. Come Home Soon.

Happy Anniversary...

Tomorrow is our 10th wedding anniversary. It's ironic because the last adoption we had disrupt happened about on my birthday in 2006. Maybe I should stick to dogs.

We just can't imagine these two not being our children. I can't say that I blame their mother - I wanted to take them home as well! They're beautiful children and I don't know how you can be with them and not be in love with them.

We're hoping for a miracle. Maybe she'll realize it was a mistake, and that she can't care for them and she'll give them up again. Lexi and Nathan have a half-sibling in France that was adopted previously, so she's been through this before. I don't know if that makes it better or worse for our case right now. We're also hoping that, if she does change her mind again, we'll find out about it so we can resume our adoption efforts. There are so many orphanages in Haiti...

I've been looking at pictures and videos all afternoon. It seems like this has to be a nightmare and that I'll be able to wake up sometime soon.

It finally seemed like everything was coming together for our little family. (well, besides, the kidney stones, cysts and layoff, that is).

About a year ago we decided we wanted to take a trip for our 10th anniversary. We started looking at different exotic locations. Then Lexi and Nathan happened and Haiti in January was our anniversary present. It was the best thing to ever happen to us. And I still hope we'll be able to somehow have Lexi and Nathan with us. Someway... Somehow...

Looks like we need another miracle.

LOST

We just found out that the birth mother came and took the kids back. We've lost our family, just like that.

She had gone into interview with USCIS and had signed their paperwork. They apparently asked for a DNA sample as they had some reason to question whether she was actually their mother. We've been told before that USCIS really grills the birth parents - "You know you'll NEVER see these children again" kinda thing. I don't know if that's what changed her mind.

That night, after the orphanage director had gone home, she came back with a car and demanded the children back. The police got involved. Apparently it was quite a scene. At any rate, the orphanage was forced to give them back to her. She also asked the orphanage for money, which they refused. It doesn't bode well for the situation they're now in.

I can't feel like this is over. It seems like it was a rash decision on her part and that she's not any more able to care for them now than she was initially.

Prayers. Please. I don't know what else to do.