Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Walls

Our house has a nursery.

At one point, we still thought we'd have babies in this house.

At one point, I was on a two month work trip to Singapore. Brent does projects to keep himself sane. You should see what he's done and redone to the main floor while we're waiting for our babies to come home. But I digress. While I was in Singapore Brent put hardwood floors in the nursery and painted the walls the color of the ocean and the ceiling to look like a sky with clouds. He knew I wanted to do Noah's Ark in the nursery and he put a Noah's Ark border on the wall and had it all ready by the time I got back home.

At one point we even had a crib in the nursery and we only used it when we would watch our friends' little boy. He's long since grown out of the crib.

At one point, we thought that maybe we'd get Nathan home in time to need the nursery.

There's a twin bed in the nursery now.

I bought bedding a few weeks ago - girly pink and white bedding that I hope will welcome Jessica some day. This weekend I changed the sheets on the bed in the nursery and wondered for the billionth time when we'd actually be tucking Jessica into that bed.

I laid back on the bed and stared at the clouds Daddy painted on the ceiling and wondered when Nathan will be in that room looking at those clouds and daydreaming about flying or baseballs soaring through the sky or just try to find shapes in the clouds Daddy painted for his baby.

And for the billionth time, my heart hurt that we'll never have a baby in this nursery.

Nathan was 5 months old the first time we met him. This June trip will be exactly a year from the first time we met our Miss Jessica. We'll get to visit our babies in another 55 days. And just a few weeks after we return home without them AGAIN, Nathan will turn two. Day by day they're slowly morphing from babies to toddlers to children. Day by day their formative years are being shaped by people I don't know in a place I never wanted them to be.

If you know me at all, you know that I always say it will "probably be another year before we get our kids home". I always say "another year". We've been at this 18 months and our papers haven't progressed in the last several months. We're still in IBESR. There's no way to know when we'll get out of IBESR. And that's just the first of several Haitian government steps we have to go through. We're still stuck on the first step. 18 months later and we're still on step one. And all I can tell people is "That's just Haiti - when you can't keep the people fed, when they don't have clean water, when 3/4 of the people don't have jobs, getting a few orphans out of the country is the least of the government's worries. At least they're being fed and not trying to survive on the streets."

I try really hard to "get it" and I try really hard to stay optimistic and positive and find funny things in life to keep me going. I try to remember that "it is what it is" and I can't change it and the only thing I have control over in this horrible situation is what I'm going to do with this wait we've been given. I want people to want to help Haiti and I want people to want to be involved and I try to keep things interesting and light here on the blog to keep people interested. No one wants to hang out with that bummer friend who drags everyone else down.

But every now and then I can't hold it in any more and I can't pretend that I'm OK with all of this. And I have my brat fit and then I move on and we go back to waiting. And we try to fill our waiting with fund raising and working to make things better in Haiti.

I wonder when I'll break down and paint the walls.


Kristi said...

I can feel the pain in your words. Nothing can make it better and nothing will make it go away some days are easier than others but the pain is always back there. I want good news for you. Hang in there and stay strong.

David and Candice said...

OH, lori If I could give you a hug I would. I pray every night that the system will get fixed and everyones files will fly through. I bet the bedding is way cute and jessica will just love it!! she is very girly. You deserve to have your breakdowns and june is kinda of around the corner-Candice

R AND R AND Z said...

I wish i could help. Waiting Sucks

stephanie garcia said...

It is SO hard. I just returned from visiting our sons and now I miss them even more. Praying for a miracle for all waiting families very soon ...

Bambi and Adam said...

I know we are just at the start line for Haiti but in August it would have been 2years that we had been in the official line waiting for China and they are still no where near looking at the paperwork for the people with log in dates of ours in Aug 2007. It hurts to wait when you are soooo ready to scoop them up and bring them home. I think it does help to do things for them that we Do have control of. I have really enjoyed packing stuff for this trip and looking at her suitcase. I pray every day God would take control of the adoption system and get these kids home to the families already waiting for them. Hang in there ! We are all rooting for you. June will be great :)

Brown's said...

Lori- I am so sorry! I know that doesn't help much but just know that you are one of the most inspiring people I know. I pray for you and your little family constantly. Your kids are so lucky to have you as their Mom. Mom's dont ever give up and even though this is aweful you have never given up on them. You are their hero. I cant wait for you to see your babies and love on them. It will be your best day:O)

Perla said...

how strange that i wrote the post i did last night but did not read this until today. i am sooo sorry for your aching heart. love and prayers from me.

Anonymous said...

If tears could soothe the aching soul, you wouldn't be hurting anymore. I wish I could offer you more than that. If I find some way to smuggle them out of the country you would be the first to know.
I love you!

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