36 Is the Loneliest Number....

It's my birthday today. I'm 36.

So far, 36 seems so much ruder than 35. 35 left me alone, quietly hovering at the top of the downhill slope to 40. It was subtle.

36 has grabbed me by the nose hairs and shaken me the way I was always afraid that very large lunch lady at my elementary school would do. 36 is gritty. It's raw. It's old.

I wonder what my current self would say if it could go back in time and have a reality check with the little girl I used to be - the one that always thought she'd finish college and have kids and be a homemaker, particularly by NOW. Bless that little girl's heart. I really was clueless. Hopefully I'm a bit wiser now.

I wonder how many people's lives have turned out the way they thought they would. I'd guess it's fewer than I'd expect.

I've been thinking as well about how my spirit is 36 but my body still feels at least 60. Funny how often Heavenly Father has used my body and the associated trials to teach me things. I remember when I was 14 and the doctors had decided they needed to fuse my wrists together to stop the pain in them (fortunately, my parents decided that it would be better for me to deal with the pain than cripple me like that - I still thank them for that.) I remember telling my mom that I'd finally realized that my body was an inside joke between me and the Lord. I think she was appalled. But I meant it then and I mean it now. The defective wrists, the ovaries that are more decorative than functional, the muscle problems, the tendons that don't hold things where they should.... they remind me that I'm not in charge and my ways aren't His ways and at the end of the day the Lord Never Cheats Anyone.

I had to do a little shower singing today. It usually puts me in a better mood. I've been talking to myself a lot today as well. Is that a sign of early senility? I find myself repeating the words to a couple of hymns. I find myself remembering a quote that one of my favorite missionary companions had me memorize:

I have an absolute belief that there is nothing unfair about life. There is only learning and sharing. A thousand times to fall is a thousand times to rise up again. If I can get up in the morning and rejoice for the light that shines into my eyes, then nothing is too difficult or impossible.

So bring it on, 36. Let's see what you've got.

And, while you're at it, if you could bring my kids home this year as well... that would be just awesome.