Tuesday, July 12, 2011

you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Someday, Little Man, you will grow up.  

I pray you grow to be a man who will make good choices.  
I pray you will be a man who serves others. 
I pray you will grow to be a man who trusts and loves God.
I pray to always love you so much that nothing would be more devastating than losing you.

I hope you choose to love another person so much that they alter every other thing in the universe.  They are  the light of your day, and the darkness they can bring is of the darkest night.  
And by that I mean that I hope you choose to be a daddy one day. 

As I look back on my life, the day you came home marks the end of one life and the beginning of another beautiful, magical existence.  

It's as if time shifted and everything now folds into "Before Nathan" and "After Nathan".  

I think differently because I think about how to explain it to you. 
I dream differently because my dreams include you. 
I see differently because I think about sharing it with you.  
I eat differently because now I think about how to introduce that food to you, or whether you like it, or if I can slip it into your potatoes without you noticing. 

Mama has a dear friend who was vital and instrumental in matching us to you, getting us to Haiti to visit you over and over again and getting you out of the country out of the earthquake.  I feel like I wouldn't be a Mama without "Mama Chareyl" because I wouldn't have been able to get you home to me without her.

She has so much faith and trust in God and she's continuously serving others. She's the kind of person your Mama wants to be when she grows up.

Mama Chareyl lost one of her biological children this week.  

Your Mama's heart is breaking for Mama Chareyl.  

I have only had you for such a short time compared to the 23 years she had with her son.  But I know Mamas are supposed to fix things and be able to make it all better for their babies. At least we think we are.  And that feeling doesn't dissipate when our babies are adults and are making their own choices.

For now, Son, we will pray for Mama Chareyl and her family.  We will pray for peace for them in this brutal time.  We will find ways to show our love to them.

And Mama will hug you extra tight tonight, because we never really know how long our universe will be magically altered by that special kind of love.

No matter what, Son, know that I carry your heart with me.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                    i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant 
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
 -e.e. cummings


mlg said...

sweet, bad things happen to good people and as you have reminded me several times God doesn't cheat anyone so somehow this tragedy will be redeemed someday.

Perla said...

beautiful post, lori. i love the cummings poem.

Me said...

This is so beautiful. My heart is heavy for your friend.

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