Hearts and Thoughts They Fade

Dear Sweetness,
Mama's got to write down some of the sweet and silly things you say and do because memory WILL fail me.

The other day you were talking about Colly.  You started listing off all of your favorite toys of Colly's.

"He gots a elephant.  He gots a dinosaur.... Really, he gots EVERYTHING!"

____

You are REALLY bothered by the bugs of summer nipping at you.  It makes you so mad and frustrated.

You asked me the other day, "Why bugs eats peoples?"  I told you that they must think we're tasty.

You sighed, knowingly, "Oh... like when Daddy eats my chocolate neck...."

And somehow that resolved it for you

____

You made the comment the a few months ago that something was "expensive as an elephant".  Since then you've asked me if you were "obedient as a dinosaur" (thanks to the "How Does a Dinosaur Say Goodnight" book and our frequent discussions about every detail of every picture). 

Another day you snuck up on me and "bwah'd" me to scare me.  I pretended to be VERY scared and said, "Wow!  You snuck up on me" and you said, "Yeah!  I sneaky as a hippopotamus!!"

Not EXACTLY what I was thinking of when I think "stealthy wild creatures", but what do I know...

____
We have a marble statue replica of the Christus in our home.  The other day you told Daddy, "That's Jesus.... I like his head."
____
One night in your prayers you said, 'Thank you for playing in the dirt with Daddy..."

I love to listen to your prayers.  You're also pretty frank about how you're feeling about things.  The other night I was getting us ready for bed and said, "Nate, are you going to say your prayers?" and you looked at me and said, 'Umm... no, probably not."

Why do men start young with that attitude to spiritual things??

you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Someday, Little Man, you will grow up.  

I pray you grow to be a man who will make good choices.  

I pray you will be a man who serves others. 

I pray you will grow to be a man who trusts and loves God.

I pray to always love you so much that nothing would be more devastating than losing you.

I hope you choose to love another person so much that they alter every other thing in the universe.  They are  the light of your day, and the darkness they can bring is of the darkest night.  

And by that I mean that I hope you choose to be a daddy one day. 

As I look back on my life, the day you came home marks the end of one life and the beginning of another beautiful, magical existence.  

It's as if time shifted and everything now folds into "Before Nathan" and "After Nathan".  

I think differently because I think about how to explain it to you. 

I dream differently because my dreams include you. 

I see differently because I think about sharing it with you.  

I eat differently because now I think about how to introduce that food to you, or whether you like it, or if I can slip it into your potatoes without you noticing. 

Mama has a dear friend who was vital and instrumental in matching us to you, getting us to Haiti to visit you over and over again and getting you out of the country out of the earthquake.  I feel like I wouldn't be a Mama without "Mama Chareyl" because I wouldn't have been able to get you home to me without her.

She has so much faith and trust in God and she's continuously serving others. She's the kind of person your Mama wants to be when she grows up.

Mama Chareyl lost one of her biological children this week.  

Your Mama's heart is breaking for Mama Chareyl.  

I have only had you for such a short time compared to the 23 years she had with her son.  But I know Mamas are supposed to fix things and be able to make it all better for their babies. At least we think we are.  And that feeling doesn't dissipate when our babies are adults and are making their own choices.

For now, Son, we will pray for Mama Chareyl and her family.  We will pray for peace for them in this brutal time.  We will find ways to show our love to them.

And Mama will hug you extra tight tonight, because we never really know how long our universe will be magically altered by that special kind of love.

No matter what, Son, know that I carry your heart with me.

Love, 

Mama

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                    i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant 
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 -e.e. cummings

Seriously, He Is This Sweet...

Dear Sweetness,
Mama needed a nap today.  She didn't sleep well this weekend. 

I tried to get you to snuggle with me and take a nap and you kept wiggling and moving and asking the same questions over and over again.

After... AN HOUR of that, I got frustrated.

"Nate," I said, "I need some sleep.  Will you please hold still?"

I settled back down and closed my eyes.

Seconds later, I felt your little lips softly pressing against first one and then the other of my eyelids as you kissed them.

Then you cupped your little hands over my eyes ever so softly and said, "You sleep now.  I cover your eyes for you.  You just sleep now."

I love you more than I can ever tell you.
Mama