Nathan Needs Hugs

We did get actual update pictures of the kids this weekend. It's good to see that they look pretty healthy.

Jess is growing up!



Mr. Nathan always looks stressed and worried in these pictures.


Nathan is a sweet little soul. He'll be two on Thursday of this week (August 20th). I literally can't bear to think of everything we've lost and missed in his young life. We got his referral when he was a 6 week old baby and now he's a 2 year old boy and there's still no end to the timeline for when we'll get him home.

I've mentioned before that Nathan has to come get a hug every minute or so when we're there. I wanted to share this little clip with you so you can see that he's just THAT SWEET.

Yes, he knows how to hit. He's two years old and he lives in a 3-bedroom house with 68 other kids. (and no, that's not a typo. 3-bedroom house. 68 children.) You'd know how to hit as well. But watch the little snatches of his face you can glimpse as he runs back to play for another 40 seconds. He just needs to be loved and reassured and comforted. He's a happy, sweet, tender little guy.

This is just a little clip of the kids playing. It lasts about 2 minutes. You'll note that Nate comes in for a hug 3 times in that 2 minutes.

In the video, Jessica keeps repeating something over and over again. If anyone knows Kreyol and can tell me what on earth she's saying I'd love that! Nathan picks up on it and repeats it with her.

Brent took this video while I was in the shower, so you can see the kids banging on the bathroom door. Jess says something quite often that sounds like "Dada", but they don't use that word in Kreyol (they say "Papa"), so I'm not sure what it is she's saying.

My mom would say Nathan's a "tender-hearted pork-n-bean". Long story, but he is. He's just SWEET and gentle and needs to be loved.

I hope you're joining us in praying these government agencies in Haiti will stop creating roadblocks for these sweet babies and will process paperwork so my kids, and so many others, can finally come home to their forever families. There's really not much else we can do be pray and wait.

36 Is the Loneliest Number....

It's my birthday today. I'm 36.

So far, 36 seems so much ruder than 35. 35 left me alone, quietly hovering at the top of the downhill slope to 40. It was subtle.

36 has grabbed me by the nose hairs and shaken me the way I was always afraid that very large lunch lady at my elementary school would do. 36 is gritty. It's raw. It's old.

I wonder what my current self would say if it could go back in time and have a reality check with the little girl I used to be - the one that always thought she'd finish college and have kids and be a homemaker, particularly by NOW. Bless that little girl's heart. I really was clueless. Hopefully I'm a bit wiser now.

I wonder how many people's lives have turned out the way they thought they would. I'd guess it's fewer than I'd expect.

I've been thinking as well about how my spirit is 36 but my body still feels at least 60. Funny how often Heavenly Father has used my body and the associated trials to teach me things. I remember when I was 14 and the doctors had decided they needed to fuse my wrists together to stop the pain in them (fortunately, my parents decided that it would be better for me to deal with the pain than cripple me like that - I still thank them for that.) I remember telling my mom that I'd finally realized that my body was an inside joke between me and the Lord. I think she was appalled. But I meant it then and I mean it now. The defective wrists, the ovaries that are more decorative than functional, the muscle problems, the tendons that don't hold things where they should.... they remind me that I'm not in charge and my ways aren't His ways and at the end of the day the Lord Never Cheats Anyone.

I had to do a little shower singing today. It usually puts me in a better mood. I've been talking to myself a lot today as well. Is that a sign of early senility? I find myself repeating the words to a couple of hymns. I find myself remembering a quote that one of my favorite missionary companions had me memorize:

I have an absolute belief that there is nothing unfair about life. There is only learning and sharing. A thousand times to fall is a thousand times to rise up again. If I can get up in the morning and rejoice for the light that shines into my eyes, then nothing is too difficult or impossible.

So bring it on, 36. Let's see what you've got.

And, while you're at it, if you could bring my kids home this year as well... that would be just awesome.

Gracie Cristella

We received the heartbreaking news that our friends' little girl, Gracie, passed away on Friday. This is the 2nd little girl our friends have lost in the last year. It seems like our families have gone through more than their fair share of heartache with this adoption process. It's a long, arduous ordeal no matter who you are, but to repeatedly have your children taken away like this is nearly unbearable.

Gracie, like her sister, Ellie, was a sweet, tender little girl. As you can see from the picture she had the greatest dimples. Her little life has had more struggle and heartache than most of us will ever see in a full lifetime. While I'm happy for her that she will no longer struggle and that she's endured all that God needed her to, my soul and my heart ache for my dear friends who are feeling the void she's left behind.

It seems that part of this Haitian adoption process is to develop a single-minded "obsession" with Haiti. It consumes you and you're constantly thinking about your children and the orphanage and the country and what you can do to ease or lift or better or change some part of the whole big mess. You're praying constantly for various government officials to WANT to do their job so that necessary paperwork can be processed and procedures can be followed. I understand the need for caution and care, but I also KNOW how much we need to get these children home. I know Scott and Michelle have gone through this in the past year. Michelle's been working on creating a newsletter that we can send out to help companies know about our orphanage and its needs so that we can get necessary funding. She's been working on things for the school teacher. She's been trying, with all that she is, to pray these girls home.

It's not wrong to want to parent these children. We need them as much as they need us. It doesn't make it any easier when your righteous desires feel like they've been trampled on and yet another child has died way before what I think they should have. But that's the point, I guess. This isn't my plan, and it isn't my thoughts that make this all work. "My thoughts are not His thoughts and my ways are not His ways..." I know, as I know the sun shines, that the Lord never cheats anyone. Not Ellie, not Gracie, not Lexi, not Malot, not Michelle, not Scott and not Brent or Lori. Somehow we have to bear each other up and try to lift each others burdens and some how bring light to this whole situation.

So we keep obsessing about Haiti. And we pray and we cry and we miss our children. And we ache. We plead. And we risk losing them and when we do lose them we remember that families are forever and the Lord never cheats anyone. Ever. Not aching mothers in the USA. Not even orphans in Haiti. Especially not orphans in Haiti.

Our thoughts and our prayers and our love are with Scott and Michelle at this time, as well as with Harry and Nadia and all our staff. We've all lost a family member. But we'll get through this together.

Thank you for letting us love you, Gracie. We love you.

Memorial for Ellie

Our friends held a memorial for their dear baby girl who passed away in Haiti before the governmental process would allow them to carry her home and make her well. I thought thier post, and the poem written by one of their daughters was very touching. I've copied that post here:

We had a memorial today in honor of Ellie. We all wrote her a letter and
planted a fushia tree by our front door in her memory. We sprinkled the dirt with goldfish and we will be making a marker and burying a copy of the letters and the goldfish package soon. Kelsie gave me permission to post her poem that she wrote to Ellie:

Brown
Brown, Brown, Brown, Brown
It is not a color
it is a beautiful little girl
It is the color of the precious baby
the sight of her is so shocking
as she is so adorable
her smile is not
one you can forget
because her teeth are oh so white
It is her big brown eyes
that stun you the most
the twinkle that you see
when she is so happy
It is her tiny hands that
grabs the goldfish crackers
off the silver mirror that portrays her golden face
It is the love that you see
when you look at her
at first it was confusion,
now it is love
every color, blue, pink, and green
looks good on her,
her hug is so warming
she sleeps so softly now,
she is happier then ever,
now that she is taken from this world
because she was too perfect.

by Kelsie

More Malot

Someone with our agency put this little page together for us.

I just love the picture on the right where he's smiling to himself (at least you can't see his whole face). He has some medicine on his ear, so that's what the white stuff is. And, our friend who was in Haiti with us had some info for us when she found out we were getting Malot. She said that Malot was one of her favorites in the orphanage and that he was one of the nicest boys there and was smiling the whole time. I guess that's the international adoption equivalent of a good parent-teacher conference where you find out your child is exceptionally bright and clever! He seems to be a very happy little boy. We're looking forward to getting more information on him and definitely looking forward to our June visit.

A shout out to MRO - I think what you're doing is very brave and I'm proud of you for taking control of your life, no matter what the comments might be. Know you're loved!

And finally, I started a new medication today - the only one the FDA has officially approved for my condition. There are points in your life when you've had it with medication and there are points in your life where you plead for something to take the physical pain away or at least take the edge off. Here's to hoping that this helps over the coming weeks as it builds up.

Pray for Sadie

Those of you who have been reading this for a bit know who Kohl is. Sadie is his little cousin.

She just turned five. This info is from the blog her parents are writing about her;

We received the heartbreaking news on Monday, March 3, that our sweet Sadie has brain cancer. In just this last week she had been complaining of headaches here and there, and would hold her neck when she would have these headaches. This "headache" would only last for seconds, but was enough to catch our attention. We had also noticed some changes in her speech and her balance when she walked. It seemed more pronounced over the weekend, so we took her to the doctor that Monday. After some different questions and checks, he ordered a CT scan of her brain/spine at Primary Childrens. We
headed up there, she did the scan, and they found a mass on her brain.

Later that night they did an MRI for more details, and through this test it was concluded she has what is called a high grade glioma tumor on her brain stem. Because of the sensitivity of the area, (the brain stem controls functions like mobility, speech, vision, respiratory, etc), and as the tumor has intertwined itself to the brain stem, surgery isn't an
option, and getting a biopsy to find out more about the tumor isn't an option.

They concluded it was malignant as one portion of the tumor seems to be moving more aggressively, and tissue around this area shows dead spots (called necrosis). So she has most likely has the tumor for awhile, but only now is having symptoms as a part of it has become more aggressive.

You can keep an eye on Sadie's progress here

All in the Family...

Brent's dad is down with not one, not two, but THREE kidney stones right now. Gary is one of those people who is very disciplined with what he eats. He's had stones before and therefore has sworn off milk, carbonation - anything that might possibly contribute to kidney stones.

Both of Brent's parents get kidney stones. Brent isn't a carbonation person either - kidney stones cured him of any love of soda. However, something your body is going to do what it's going to do. Genetically, his kidneys have a plan of their own that is completely independent of anything that he might try to lead them to do or not do. Sometimes things just happen to you genetically and there's not much you can do about it.

That is one interesting thing about adopting... our "known" family issues won't be there. Instead we have unknown families with unknown issues contributing to the health of our little ones.

It must be weird (and I know some of you can share experiences of this) to fill out those forms when you go to a new doctor and not be able to give any family history. Feel free to share in the comments if you'd like.

My friend Melissa could use some prayers. On the 26th of this month it will be exactly two years since they started the process to bring home Luc and Olyvia from Haiti. One thing after another has happened and they still aren't home yet. Now everything is done except the US government employee working in the US Embassy in Port-au-Prince signing off for their visa appointment. Apparently this woman is enjoying her power and is causing all sorts of drama. Add to that the Embassy is closing from the 1st of April to the 2nd week in May to relocate and we find that one person has a lot of power over the hearts and lives of others right now. Apparently several US Senators have been on her about what she's doing and it still hasn't changed her behavior. We could use some heart softening for Miss Embassy Lady.

We hope Luc and Lyvi can come home soon!

We Don't Realize How Blessed We Are...

Brat Fit

Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a
stone?
Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
If ye then,
being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall
your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Matthew 7:9-11

THIS sums up what's so difficult about what we're going through. We know what we want. We've met and loved and held Lexi and Nathan. These are good things to want. These are righteous desires. Yet, sometimes we are told "no" because there is a bigger, though currently unseen, picture.

All we can imagine is Lexi and Nathan. They are all we've ever wanted, really. How could anything possibly be better for us than that happy, giggling, gleeful boy and that beautiful, sweet, tender little girl?

That doesn't mean that there isn't something better than we can imagine in store for us. But our experience of 10 years of childlessness and trials and feeling spiritually "bricked in" at times (like your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling) make it nearly impossible for us "deal".

People say that God doesn't give us more than we can bear. Perhaps He actually gives us EXACTLY more than we can bear so that we'll remember to lean on Him- to kneel so we can stand with Him.

I guess I'm having a tantrum, wanting what I want and "knowing" that only that will make us happy. I'm still OK with tantrums. We have to feel and we have to experience. That's also part of what it's all about.