Topic: Define Ourselves by Divine Qualities: Measuring Our Worth
the Lord's Way: Worldly influences shape
our idea of beauty and womanhood causing us to compare ourselves, set unrealistic
goals, and spend our energy on counterfeit sources of self-worth. How can we recognize these false
standards? Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
said, "I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that
means, to know who you really are."
Where does genuine self-worth come from?
How can understanding our divine worth strengthen our self-worth?
On
the day that I received the invitation to speak here, I was also notified that
we had been selected to adopt a daughter.
Sophia is three and was born in China.
She was born without a left hand, meaning her arm stops below her
elbow. This was caused by amniotic
fibers getting wrapped around her developing arm while she was in utero. Those fibers and her growing form fought for
space and control and eventually the fibers won. Her forearm and hand weren't able to
develop. She will forever bear the signs
of that battle before she was born.
Things
aren't easy for girls born in China.
Things are even worse for disabled girls born in China. On the day she was born, she was abandoned -
written off as not worth it by a society that places emphasis on healthy, male
children.
But
Sophia is tenacious. To survive
orphanage life, you have to be. She's a
fighter and that's what kept her alive and it carries her through her daily
life. She is happy and cheerful. She sings and dances and bounces with joy
most of the time. Watching her struggle to pick things up or pull herself up,
it's obvious that she's completely unaware that she's missing a hand. She doesn't know she's different and she
doesn't know what life would be like with two hands, so she's really not fazed
by missing one.
As
she grows, Sophia will be notified of her differences - in glances, in whispers
and blatant comments from others. As her
mother, I worry that she'll lose that innate cheerfulness and that she will
become preoccupied with why she's different; why she was adopted; why she was
abandoned; and why God didn't see fit to give her another hand. In the meantime, we're just rejoicing in
having her dynamic personality in our home.
My son is thrilled to be a big brother and I don't think my husband will
be more pleased this year than he was when he taught her that the correct
response to the question "who are you" is the answer "Daddy's
girl".
Sometimes
it’s easier for us to look at someone like Sophia and think that “Oh, I’ll bet God
gave her that body so her eternal spirit could learn something special” than it
is for us to remember that the same statement is true for each of us. My body is a custom-built teaching
environment for my soul. God sent me to
this earth in a body that allows me to experience the world differently than
anyone else around me. My height, my
scoliosis, my infertility, my mental health, my FMS, my relationships, and my
experiences all combine together to create the incubator that Heavenly Father
knew was best for my spirit if I let Him use them for my good.
The
funny thing about Earth Life is that we're here to try to remember, to try to
figure out what Heavenly Father already knows about us. The God of the entire universe, He who knows
the beginning from the end, did not send us down here to fail. He sent us here with perfect knowledge that
we could do this, that this test was not only achievable but that it is in our
eternal best interests. He knows that we
are absolutely capable of succeeding.
He's so confident at our chances for success that He authorized eight year old children to make eternal
covenants with Him. They can’t even blow
their own noses and He lets them make covenants. He knows
we can do this. We, personally, need to
find that out for ourselves.
Long
ago, before we were born, you and I were also involved in a battle. Our bodies are the sign of that battle – they’re
a token of what we endured, what we fought for and what we won. We don't remember the details but 1/3 of our
spiritual siblings were cast out. CAST.
OUT. That's not "kindly shown the
door and asked to take their bad attitude elsewhere." CAST. OUT.
I don't think it's possible for us to fully grasp what it meant for them
to choose to follow the other plan. But
the part you should keep in mind is that you
are here. You have a body. You won.
Your body says that you, too, are a fighter; you're a warrior and you
can do this.
I
don't know the details of that battle in heaven, but I do know that Satan is
forever trying to bring us down to his level make us “miserable like unto
himself”. Our bodies are one of the
tools he tries to utilize. The very
symbol of our triumph incenses him and he attempts to thwart our forward
progression. In the universal spirit of
balance, Christ is the Rock of Our Salvation and Satan is the Wet Cement of our
Doom. Somehow, even though he has never
had a body himself, he seems to be able to target our thoughts about ourselves and
our bodies to try to break our will and have us surrender, stop, or quit. He makes it an easy mental leap from “there are things about my body or life that
I’d like to change” to “I have no
worth.”
Perhaps
he's still smarting over not "measuring up" the first time, but Satan
would like us to focus on perceived measures and feel that we're “not good
enough”. The world we live in, like
Satan, is preoccupied with measures - the size of your paycheck, the size of
your waist, the size of your house are all used to indicate success and worth
in Satan's world. The messages of what the
world thinks we should be doing or who it thinks we should be are loud, frequent
and pummel our very souls.
You
and I have been warned about these things.
We sat through the YW lessons and we got that message. We learned that the world would have us be
prideful and that this keeps us from the Lord.
We,
as good Mormon women, know that it's wrong to judge others or to treat others
as if they are inferior. All that
"putting yourself up on a pedestal" and thinking you're better than everyone
else - we won't do that. That's clearly
wrong. We know that's pride and
self-centeredness. We've all read The
Book. We know how well that turned out
for the Lamanites.
Yet
here’s where Satan's sneaky subtle means catch us. He would have us veer so far from being
prideful that we actually start to focus
on what we don't do well - you know, just to keep ourselves humble. We tell ourselves that we need to
remember our flaws to prevent ourselves from getting prideful. In fact we honestly think we're doing the
RIGHT thing by starting this list of our flaws and weak spots. Funny how easy it is to add to that list of
what we don't do well. Maybe we aren't
the shape we want to be or we don't read our scriptures as studiously as we
know we could. Maybe we can't get over
our hang-ups with Visiting Teaching.
Gradually you start to notice when other people receive praise for something. Maybe you keep a little mental tally of
whether or not you are also praiseworthy in that area. Maybe you find yourself listening a little
closer to the testimony meeting, to see if the sobbing sister going through a
tough time will mention that YOU, YOU helped her and when she doesn't you
wonder why your service didn't find merit.
Next
Satan has us notice what others have that we lack. Maybe it's a better job. Maybe it's a husband. Maybe it’s a
child. Maybe it's a healthy body. Maybe it is seemingly instantly answered
prayers. "I'm obedient. Why don't I get
what I want?” We tell ourselves that
if God loved us he'd give us what our hearts desire and bless us like he
blesses Sister So-and-so. We continue to
use that sense of "measuring up"
to count our blessings, or our perceived lack thereof, and try to use
that to explain to ourselves how God must work- not realizing that we’re
measuring Him with Satan’s measuring stick of “having equals worth”. We
look at what we want and compare it to what we don't have and find it's easy to
tell ourselves that He hasn't answered our prayers because if He loved us He’d
do it our way.
Then
Satan has us recite that mental list to ourselves a few times. And it's funny
how when you're looking for an excuse, any one will do.
Next,
we're recognizing how significant people in our lives always take advantage of
us and how we're always the one left cleaning up after everyone else and how no
one really understands or appreciates us anyway. Slowly, the list of perceived wrongs seeps
into our thoughts, and then our vocabulary.
It taints, poisons, and sours the way we think about ourselves, and
others, and soon the way we think about God himself. It no longer seems like a large leap of logic
to hear yourself say, "God does
answer prayers - just not mine. God does
reward righteousness - just not mine.
God does love his children, but he's disappointed in me. After all, I'm disappointed in me, why
wouldn't he be disappointed in me".
So
how did we make the leap from lessons in humility to spiritual chains? How are being humble and lacking
confidence different? Elder Glen L.
Pace taught that when we focus on our weaknesses – when we "wallow in
weakness", if you will, we do not “allow weak things to become
strong". "Our condition is frequently misdiagnosed as humility when, in reality
it is a lack of confidence". Humility is recognizing our utter
dependence on the Lord. We are aware
that we do things well, that we have talents, but we don't become prideful
about it because we know that everything we have is a gift from
Him. Similarly, we recognize that we
have weaknesses but we realize that the Lord can help us turn those weaknesses
into actual blessings; therefore we don't overly focus on them either. As C.S. Lewis said, ‘Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less
often.” And to quote Thomas Harris,
the humble realize that "the feeling
of being okay does not imply that a person has risen above all his faults and
emotional problems. It merely implies
that he refuses to be paralyzed by them." They realize that if it seems they’re being
short-changed then there really must be more coming beyond the horizon of their
current perspective. The humble realize
that there is a greater plan and
that it will be OK because the Lord Never Cheats Anyone. He literally cannot and the humble have faith
in that.
Lacking
confidence, on the other hand, is to have low feelings of self-worth. It's focusing on what we can't do, don't
have, or haven't mastered. We forget
that we are "daughters of a Heavenly Father" - we're Heavenly
Father's girls - and He loves us. I
don't mean that in a distant, noble, "He
loves me because He created me and therefore He has to love me. Otherwise it wouldn't be very godly of Him"
sort of way. I mean it like a "Daddy's girl", sort of way. I mean it in a "rejoices in every small triumph, weeps with you when you weep, hopes
you remember to call home daily" sort of way. And just as no mother would withhold love
from their newborn because they're can't seem to pass the AP Physics test, our
Heavenly Father does not "start" loving you when you achieve a
certain level or when you check off a certain number of "obedience
points". He loves you now, where
you are, for who you are now, who you've always been, and who He knows you have
the power to become.
Cunningly
Satan hides that fact that pride and lack of self-worth are both rooted in
self-centeredness and in an essential disrespect for God's Eternal Plan. Both
deny the power of God and his ability to work good in our lives. Those who lack
self-confidence become the victim of their own self-talk. They think that
putting everyone else besides
themselves up on a pedestal, while finding all the ways they personally don't measure up is not
anywhere near the sin of pride when, in reality, both views are both embedded
in self-focus: one for what we do well,
and the other side for what we think we do poorly. And those minutes spent feeling sorry for
ourselves are minutes that we will never get back for progression or forward
motion or peace.
In
the spirit of measuring and distracting us from God’s Eternal Plan, Satan has
us think the “lack” in this tiny part of our eternal existence is the most
important thing. He would have us focus
no further than what we are “not”. In reality, God turns all things for
our good, inasmuch as we’ll let Him.
We mere mortals have a very different definition of affliction and
“lack” than Heavenly Father does. Even
if we live to be 100 years old and even if we are in physical pain and even if
we live alone each of those 36 thousand days, the physical pain and the
loneliness isn’t the important part. What
we need to be delivered from is whether or not our reactions to, and our thoughts
about, those days create a spiritual struggle that keep us from our Heavenly
Father. It’s the heavy heart, the
tendency to complain, the “poor ol’ me” syndrome that’s more important. In the Eternal Picture, it’s not as important
that my life is comfortable as it is that I learn from what my life gives
me. The actual eternal damage from
afflictions isn’t physical; it’s spiritual.
While
Heavenly Father and our Savior love us no matter what, the Holy Ghost cannot
accept invitations to personal pity parties.
He cannot. He cannot abide such falsehoods. He must be where there is light and truth and
honor and a serious case of the "poor old me's" is none of
those. We may find that the home we have
built for our thoughts in our hearts is in such a location that we can no
longer see the truth of who we are from the doorway.
But
the purpose of this life is to learn how to make choices, including how we feel
about ourselves and our circumstances.
We are here to learn, and that includes how to control our
thoughts. It is never, ever too
late to choose a new path or choose a new line of thinking.
In
John 9 - the Savior walks by a man who was blind from his birth. His disciples ask him who sinned, the man or
his parents, that caused the man to be born blind. Now, mind you, it's like the disciples
think he's deaf! The man is sitting
RIGHT THERE and, since he can't see anything, he's listening to
everything. And the Savior says, "Neither hath this man sinned, nor his
parents; but that the works of God should be manifest in him" (See
what He teaches there… things aren't perfect because God needs us to allow Him to
use those things to help us become stronger.
Why is it easy to see that fact when it involves someone else - like my
Sophia's lack of a hand or this man's blindness - then we can see that those
trials are "a blessing from God" but when it's our own life and our
own "lack" we feel picked on and slighted by the God of the entire
universe?)
Anyway…
"As long as I am in the world, I am
the light of the world. When he had thus
spoken, he spat on the ground."
What
a lovely word… "spat". It's like onomatopoeia in that it sounds like
what it is. "SPAT!" Now remember, this is Christ. He could heal this man anyway He wanted
to. But this man is blind, and as you
study the rest of the chapter, you see that this man will need to testify about
what was happening. So Christ did this
healing in a way that allowed the blind man participate in the healing.
"…
He spat on the ground and made clay of
the spittle…"
Now
I don't often go around making clay out of spittle, but I'm going to guess that
was a lot of spit. Spat! Spat! Spat!
How close in proximity to the blind man do you think Christ was when He
did that? Do you think the blind man had
been spat upon before? Maybe the man
started feeling his face to try to wipe off what he usually finds when he hears
that sound… spat. Was there a smell to the newly wet dirt used
to make a clay? That had to have an odor
of some sort, right? Now maybe the man
smells something. “What is going on?”
"…made clay of the spittle and he anointed the
eyes of the blind man”… so this man, sitting, hearing these men say this
not so nice things about him…hearing the fantastic response from the Savior...hearing
the spit again and again, maybe…smelling the wet dirt…feeling the wet clay on
his eyes… How do you think that touch
felt? Did the Savior press it in there
or just set it on his eyes? Do you think the blind man reached up and touched
the Savior's arms to try to find out what was going on? How did they feel? What did the wet clay feel like? How much was there?
“…and then said to him, Go, wash in the pool
of Siloam”… and the man is healed.
The
Savior could have chosen any way at all to heal that man. There are no inherent healing proprieties the
combination of spit in dirt. Certainly
clay does not restore sight. Christ
could have said, as he did on other occasions, "go thy way, thy faith hath made thee whole". But this man needed a testimony of the
Savior, as you see in the rest of the chapter, and so, to prepare that one
man for what was to come for him, the Savior chose a very intimate method for
his healing and a very unique way for the man to participate in his healing.
Thus
it is for each of us. There is
spiritual spittle, if you will, to shed light on our every blindness. There is tenderly placed clay for each
affliction, if we chose to let the Spirit show us is it there.
So
what do we do if we can’t feel the clay on our own spiritual afflictions? If that is the case, there is hope.
In
Helaman 5, the story is told of Nephi and Lehi, the sons of Helaman, who were
cast into prison. A group of Lamanites
came to slay them and, to their surprise, Nephi and Lehi were surrounded by
fire. And the scriptures tell us that
the Lamanites (Hel 5:28) "they were
overshadowed by a cloud of darkness and an awful solemn fear came upon
them." Does that sound like
what we've been talking about at all?
Does Satan's plan to let us talk ourselves down to an immobility of
spirit sound at all like a “cloud of
darkness” and maybe even “an awful
solemn fear”? The scriptures go on
to say in vs. 34 that they “could not
flee” because of the cloud of darkness, and also they were “immovable because of the fear which
did come upon them.” Does it ever
feel like you can't move forward? That
you can't change the way you've been feeling about yourself? That you can't break the weight of those
thoughts and emotions?
The
scriptures continue and explain that there was a man in the group who had been
a member of the Church but fell away.
And in vs. 36, "And it came
to pass that he turned him about and behold he saw through the cloud of darkness."
Isn't it interesting that they included the phrase that “he turned himself around” before he
could see through the darkness. He had
to repent, to change, to turn, in this case literally, "before he could see through the darkness”
brought on directly by his choices to attempt to slay Nephi and Lehi. And it
says in vs. 37 that the man “did cry unto
the multitude that they might turn and look” and then watch what happens,
"And behold, there was power given unto them that they did
turn and look".
Who gave them that power? Did the man do
it? Did Nephi and Lehi do it? No, it came from the Lord. And in vs. 40,
like so many people in the scriptures who experience a change of heart say,
these Lamanites said, "What shall
we do that this cloud of darkness may be removed from overshadowing
us?" And what answer are they
given? "You must repent… until you have faith in Christ, and when you shall do
this, the cloud of darkness shall be removed from overshadowing you."
Repent?? Does that mean I'm bad? Isn't that a bad thing? NO. In fact, it's a commandment to repent, so if you don't repent, then you'd have to
repent of not repenting and that just gets cyclical and no one really wants to
go there, right? This is why He provided
a Savior - a Savior who wants to annoint your eyes that you may see yourself
the way He does. The Lord can give you
the power to turn - to turn your heart, to turn your thinking, to turn the way
you feel about yourself - into a way that allows you to not be paralyzed by
being human.
We
seem to forget that we're mortal and that the dirt and the rocks and the trees
were designed to always exactly fill
the measure of their creation, but for us, He expects more. He needs us to fail so we can rise up
again. We need to make choices so that
we can see that we can choose
rightly and we can hold to a course
that we do deserve what He offers us (which is “everything He has”, for those
of you playing along at home).
Years
ago as a missionary, my companion and I were put into an area where two senior
single sister missionaries had been proselyting. They were both going home and we were moving
into their area. Our mission president
had them stay an extra week to acquaint us with the area. So my companion and I slept on the floor of
the front room for that week. We younger
sister missionaries had to be up before the senior sisters. Every morning I would try so hard to not wake
Sister Anderson as I would head to the bathroom. And every morning I would hear her soft voice
say, "You can turn the light on, if
you want to." It became a game
of sorts for me, to see if I could get through my morning routine without
waking Sister Anderson but every morning I'd hear her soft statement, "You can turn the light on, if you want to." I've come to know that this a great truth. My "want
to" decides if the light is on in my heart and my life, or if it is not. The Lord does not force obedience…
that was someone else's plan. I can turn
the light on, even in how I feel about my own self, if I want to. He is the switch for that light. “Ask and ye shall receive”. And don’t hesitate to include a medical
professional in that asking and seeking.
Medicine is a blessing of the age in which we live.
A
final story. Right after I returned from
my mission, I had the opportunity to serve at the Open House for the Mount
Timpanogos Temple. When I showed up for my volunteer shift, the worker
that was coordinating which volunteers would be in which locations asked me if
I was married. I must have been a little too obvious with my, "No! No! I just got home from my
mission!" because he kind of smiled at me and said, "I know just where we're going to put you."
He led me to the Bride's Room in the temple… and turned to me with a
twinkle in his eye and said, “I think
you'll find this room to be quite comfortable for you."
He
explained to me some features about the room, the beautiful stained glass
window and the chandelier, just in case someone asked questions.
Then he said, "Before I leave you to
your post, I want to tell you something. Come with me."
That
temple’s Bride's Room has "eternity mirrors" on the walls, reflecting
their image back and forth seemingly forever. He stood in front of the
mirror and gestured for me to stand beside him.
I
have to admit, I probably rolled my eyes a bit internally. I was sure I knew
where this was going, but I took my spot next to him and looked at our image in
the mirror.
"What do you see?" he asked.
"I can see forever..." I said, while
thinking, "Yeah, I've heard all the
Young Women's Lessons. I know what you're going to say."
He
said, “Can you really? Can you see
me forever?"
I
looked at our image again and said, "Yes,
I can see you forever."
"Can you see YOU forever?" he asked.
I
looked at the mirror again and was surprised with my own answer. "No." I said. "I can't see me forever."
He
smiled knowingly. "Oh,
really? Why can't you see yourself
forever?" he asked.
I
looked at the mirror again and studied our reflection. "I'm standing in my own way." I
said.
"Exactly", he said. "YOU are standing in your own way."
He
continued, "THIS is what I want you
to remember about the temple, about mirrors, and about eternity. We create
eternal marriages because we all need someone who can help when our own vision
is blocked. We need an eternal companion because we forget who we are.
We forget that we're our Heavenly Father's sons and daughters. We lose
sight of our own potential and our path. Just as you can see me reflected
forever, we all need someone that can see who we can become and our
capabilities; someone who can remember who we really are when we,
ourselves, forget.
“However, if you don't get where
you want to be - if you don't reach your full potential, it will be because YOU
stood in your own way. You are responsible for your choices and what you
do with your life. You have no one to blame but yourself if you don't
become your best self. Others are there to help you along the path, but
the travel is up to you."
We
may not all marry in this small portion of our eternal existence but the Lord never cheats anyone. We ALL have One who knows us perfectly, who
knows exactly what we are, what we were, what we always have been and what
we'll be. Before you dare think “that doesn’t count” remember that’s the
God of the Universe to whom you are referring. When we forget who we are, when we lose sight
of our own potential and path, there is One there who is waiting for us to want to turn on the light, who will
anoint our eyes, and who will help us turn our hearts until we, too, can see
ourselves as Heavenly Father's girls.
Remember
that he could have chosen any name or title for Himself. He could have forbidden us to mention His
name at all. Instead He chose for you to
call Him Father. He hopes and wants you
to speak to Him, invites you to discuss concerns, and potential solutions with Him
– multiple times per day. You, as His
daughter, have those membership privileges.
In
the words of Neal A Maxwell, "It’s extremely
important for you to believe in yourselves, not only for what you are now,
but for what you have the power to become. Trust in the Lord as He leads
you along. He has things for you to do that you won’t know about now, but that
will be revealed later. If you stay close to Him, you will have some great
adventures… the Lord will unfold your future bit by bit."
I
know this earth life is painful. I know
it's hard, but you’re Heavenly Father’s girl and you can do this. At the end of the day, I know the Lord Never Cheats Anyone. Ask and ye shall receive. He will help you turn the light on in your
own life. I testify that this is true.
